I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m getting better at hearing (or reading) the reframes now! @Jynx I’m just not better at doing them.. I guess one day I’ll learn. 

I forgot that you haven’t been around. Let me update you a little. 

I had a really really tough psych appointment. We did chair work and my punitive voice had to tell me what it thought about me. It was really nasty and hurtful. (Yes I believe it) We have named the voice Carra and I have to tell her to F off when she starts up. 

At the end of the session she did that stupid depression score thing. You know the one where you answer never, sometimes, often, almost always. That in its self is a trigger. I have basically been in bed ever since. On Wednesday night I HAD to reach out to a helpline. I was in extreme crisis. I then had to ring them back 2 hours later. You know how much I’ll resist it so I was in a really bad way. especially to have to call twice. So I have spent all week in bed.

So last night when I said I had to go to bed as I wasn’t safe I actually meant it. 

Yeah I’m still a little wired but not as much. But my anxiety is in the rise cause dinner is in an hour 

[Jynx]

Wow @Captain24 thank you for sharing that with me. Sounds very intense, and considering this was the first(?) time you've done empty chair with that particular part, it makes sense that it's left you pretty rattled!! 

Does she know the depression score dealio is a trigger for you? 

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@Captain24 wrote:

So last night when I said I had to go to bed as I wasn’t safe I actually meant it. 

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Just wanna check in on this bit. Did you think I didn't believe you? Or did you feel like we weren't concerned about you? Just wanna understand, cos when it comes to your safety, we always wanna collaborate with you, and we can get it wrong at times too! 

[Captain24]

Yep.. the first time. She tried it the week before and I just couldn’t do it. @Jynx 

So yes this week has been the hardest since I started seeing this psych. I just wanted to give you some clarity. 

With how I meant it last night I wasn’t sure you knew how serious it has been. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 proud of you for taking a second stab at it. I imagine as destabilising as it can be, it is also very revealing. 

Thank you, and like just so you know, I trust you when you say you're off to bed. Hence why I didn't do the little extra safety check in. That was enough to let me know that yes, you really are at risk - but that you would also say something if you were unsure if bed would do the trick. Well, you usually do anyway. But hey, if it would be more meaningful to get the lil extra check in next time, you can always ask 💜

I hear how heavy it's all been, so the fact that you're still taking these sorts of steps - breathing through it, taking it day by day, finding small ways to reassure yourself - is indicative of progress in my eyes!! Kudos 😊

[Captain24]

I’m home from dinner! Now my time is my time. @Jynx. I’m exhausted mentally and physically. I’m so drained. As my psych put it.. depleted. So friggen cold!!! 

When we looked at it last week I couldn’t do it but it all started to bubble up so this week it was kinda a need to do it. I was so uncomfortable talking to an empty chair. 

Nah didn’t need the safety check in. I probably couldn’t have answered it anyway. 

I guess there is progress but it’s really hard to see it or feel it when I’m so low and so nasty. So horrible. So worthless. So despicable. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you did it, it's done!! Yay for home times. Hope you're snuggling up!!

Yeah it feels so odd hey especially the first time! But it's always surprising to me how much can come out of it. It gets easier. Oddly enough I think it also helped me to become a wee bit more comfortable with talking to myself out loud, which I also find REALLY helpful for processing my feelings. 

Yeahhhh it's a bit rough when it feels like we aren't any better off hey. But maybe have a think back to where you were a couple years ago? For me, I barely notice a significant difference in my day-to-day, but over many moons it amounts to progress! 

[Captain24]

I’ve had a hot shower and put a tracksuit on. @Jynx I’ve ordered some warming pjs and a onesie from oodie so hopefully they arrive soon. It’s so cold here. At least there hasn’t been snow around this week and none in the mountains yet. I’m starting to get a bit worried about my drive to hospital as I’m scared it’ll be snowing through the mountains if it keeps staying this cold. 

I’m sure she will do it again. I broke down and she asked if I wanted to pause but I said to keep going. Hopefully next time won’t be so awkward unless it’s when I see her in person. I have a long way to go to be able to talk to myself out loud!!! 

From where I was when I started on here until now is very different. I can see changes as I’m better able to understand myself and express myself. More awareness. But my mood is different it kinda feels more risky. It’s become more dangerous over time. Especially right now

[Jynx]

@Captain24 oodie do onesies? 😮 Are they all fleecey and oversized too?

Do they put salt across the roads at all? Yeah ice is SO scary!! Black ice is sooooo dangerous. Do you get chains or other safety measures from your workplace?

You kept going? Oh wow, so proud! Hope you are proud of yourself too 😊

And yeah like, if I was to chalk that up to anything it would simply be the fact that recovery is destabilising. I mean it HAS to be. We're trying to rewrite a new way of being in the world for ourselves after all, which is no mean feat! 

Trauma-brain runs on habit. It craves familiarity, even if that familiarity is only with apathy and misery. So when we do things differently, it creates internal conflict and discomfort. Even if doing it differently also makes us feel better! 

So to my mind, your increase in risk-taking may be a response to feeling out of your comfort zone, doing things your brain has coded as 'unsafe' (like asking for help).

I almost picture it like...

Your lizardbrain: "What do you MEAN we aren't keeping to the code? It kept us safe our whole childhood and now you wanna go do everything differently? Nah eff this, I don't care anymore cos clearly you don't!" 

... which is an oversimplification and a dramatisation but idk, does that make sense to you and your experiences, or am I way off you reckon?

[Captain24]

It doesn’t actually snow here but hospital is 4 hours away and I have to travel through the Blue Mountains. I won’t need chains if it’s snowing but it’ll be slippery. @Jynx 

I am proud but it was the people pleaser in me. I didn’t want to let her down. This people pleasing puts me into many uncomfortable situations. I get this whole therapy shit is meant to be hard and I accept that and know it’s going to be really hard but rewarding. As much as Tuesday was so hard I feel like it was a breakthrough. It’s just left me unsafe.

I think doing things differently is helping. I need to change things up or I will never recover. Being stuck in the old ways isn’t going to help even though it’s more comfortable. 

It makes complete sense. I get I totally, understand it and feel it. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aww fingers crossed for safe crossings my dear. 

Gentle reminder that our inner people-pleasers aren't inherently bad. I got one too remember? Recovering people-pleaser here and yes, it still gets me into trouble! But we can leverage it, redirect it. Instead of defaulting to pleasing others because we are afraid they will reject us, we can channel the energy into doing nice things and small acts of kindness for others - but on our terms, not as a reflex or reaction. Takes time, but it helps to remember that we wanna please others because our social bonds are NEEDS, and so it really is just our brains trying to help us out. We just gotta guide em into new ways of doing so 😉

Idea - next session, you can chat to your psych about how it left you feeling unsafe, and maybe you two can collaborate on how to mitigate that in the future. Like sometimes even a lil check in and grounding exercise at the end of a heavy session can do wonders! 

Yep! "All progress takes place outside of the comfort zone" after all. You got this! 

Glad it resonates. Maybe another one to take to your psych to unpack further 😊

I will bid you goodnight methinks!! You are in bed already, getting nice and toasty I hope?!! 

Catch you on the flipside, cool cat 💜