Lived Experience Forum

[brolly]

Hello, I'm so glad I found this forum. Like everyone, I've had a really hard year. My father passsd away and then my younger sister was diagnosed with stomach cancer. She's receiving treatment and is so far doing well. My husband lost his job at the start of Covid and I was the sole breadwinner for our family of five (we have three teenagers). I had a really intense job but was good at it and loved it. I was stressed but coping. I can get anxious so being busy has always felt good for me. Then I unexpectedly lost my job due to Covid as well. Even with my husband unemployed, I did fine at first - I rolled with it, made some plans to network for contract work and wrote up a list of projects to do around the house. Luckily my husband then got a job. But with school going back and my husband working from an office (for an essential service) I found myself alone and all my plans just turned to dust. I feel unable to do anything. I cry most of the day. I'm terrified of everything. I have to have a routine mammogram this week and because I do have risk factors (dense breasts) I have convinced myself I have cancer like my sister but that mine is untreatable and without hope. The lack of hope has scared me the most. Does anyone else feel like this?

[Jynx]

Hey @brolly, first off welcome to the forums  I'm one of the moderators, just wanted to pop in and let you know that we're here to support. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, and you're not alone in feeling overwhelmed and lost at the moment. And if finding hope is a bit of a struggle for you at the moment, well I'm sending some extra your way  

[bleepbloophello]

Welcome @brolly good to have you here. Sounds like a really tough year for sure. One thing that I can relate to is how difficult having no enforced structure can be. I have been largely unemployed for over 2 years now and I still think it can be very challenging. So you're not alone in finding that hard. The fact that it was different when you had a job shows that it's possible for it not be like this. I haven't experienced health related anxiety like that, but it sounds tough. Our minds can be cruel to us sometimes. Have you talked to anyone e.g. your husband about how you've been feeling? Sending you calm vibes and glad you found this space.

[brolly]

Thank you - that is so kind

[brolly]

Thanks @bleepbloophello - and you really nailed it with the enforced structure. I feel like my brain is turning on me. I'm sorry you've also been out of work - hope something really satisfying turns up for you soon.

[bleepbloophello]

Thanks @brolly that's lovely of you. I hope things turn around for you soon.

[Maggie]

@brolly  Welcome.

Gosh, you’re had a lot of big stuff happen this year. I’m sorry your father passed away this your, grief is a difficult process to work through.

Also your sister ‘s cancer. That’s so much to be dealing with, and your own fears at the moment. I can understand the anxiety you are feeling regarding the mammogram coming up. 

So so many people are affected by Coronavirus, it’s hard to know what to say. The effects are just enormous. I’m sorry work is yet another issue in your life.

Do you you have any professional support ? 

Sending warm thoughts.

[brolly]

Thanks, @Maggie. I feel completely overwhelmed and the fear of cancer is that it would be another thing to cope with. I'm broken and have no positive outlook. I can't see how I would cope at all. I took myself to the GP last week - he's more concerned about me not going to the mammogram than the anxiety. He said it will go once I have the test. I'm taking my husband with me. He and my children are really concerned about me but I am ashamed at how badly I am handling things in front of them - and if I'm honest, I don't even know why they love me. I'm a mess.

[brolly]

I also felt like this when my mother passed away 10 years ago. So I have taken medication in the past and have started again. It's not working...

[Maggie]

@brolly  I’m pleased your husband is going with you. I’m also pleased to hear your gp is being supportive. If you need to see him before the mammogram, is that possible, just to talk things through.

Your family love you. Let them support you through this. 

Take care.