not feeling good

[BlueBay]

It's back to square one again, home alone. nothing to do, don't want to do anything

feeling really sorry for myself

hubby out all day until late tonight

just me and my thoughts and i hate it

i hate being like this, notings going to chagne is it

maybe my psych was right, i look for negative stuff to keep me going

maybe he's right

but why, why do i do this all the time.

what the hell is wrong with me; can someone just tell me what the hell is going on in mhy head

how can i be just ok one minute and the next a blubbering mess, unable to even think straight 

how do i go from one extreme to the other so damn quickly; my brain isn't right; i';m not right

[utopia]

@BlueBay. You have to tell those thoughts to bugger off.
You have to force yourself to do something. Your art - your knitting - a walk with Jersey -a Louise Hayes ap.
You have the time and the peace and quiet to focus on an ap now. Look one up on the Internet now. Sit or lie down comfortably and simply breathe and listen. When your mind wanders - don't worry - just go back to focusing on your breath.
Don't ask the 'whys' today. Whys are for therapy sessions.
For now - you have the time to breathe and listen to an ap.
You can do that.

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay I hope you don't mind but I am going to use WE to try to help you out a bit today.

WE hate our thoughts and they consume us - acknowledge that and let it out if you need to - write them down - either on your own or on here somewhere if you can

WE don't think we deserve to be loved - but we do my friend and we are both shown that every day from the people on the forum especially

WE are not alone because we have the wonderful people on here around us - listening - supporting

WE hate feeling like this and think nothing is going to change and there is no point - but we continue to reach out, be connected and find a way through

WE think there is something wrong with us but there really isn't - it's the pain and hurt that is taking over and you really can't see the other side just at the moment

DO NOT LISTEN to what your psych said - no-one wants to live with this negativity of themselves - you just can't cope with the intensity of the feelings and thoughts and that really is understandable

I am here with you - listening - walking beside you - holding you up if needed and care about YOU.

You do have the strength within you - this is just a moment to get through - and even though it doesn't feel like it right now - we are all here to help carry you through this moment and get to the other side. 

All my love to you my friend

Zoe 

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay

Your mother sounds painful - I can hardly believe that she bothered to express milk and then get you Dad to take it to the hospital - but I do believe it - and I feel a deep anger inside me

My dd was born and 36 weeks and had a good birth weight - 6 lb - and I was told I muddled my dates up - but I was right - I wanted a baby so badly of course I knew all my dates - but dd wasn't yet ready for birth - and struggled to live and was sent to another hospital while I was kept where she was born - and I went and saw her as often as I could - which because I had a son no one wanted to baby-sit - was really hard - but I was there when I could be - bottle feeding a baby that could not suck and wondered about this

She was nearly a month old before we could bring her home and obviously the bonding had taken place - and she was the happiest little girl - a real sunshiny little face and so sociable

How much your mother has missed out on - you were a high risk baby and it sounds as if your mother closed off on your right from the start - hers is the loss and there is no way she can change herself because in 51 years she doesn't want to - and she has given you such a hard time starting because you were born too early and such a struggle from the word go

I would never give up on my dd - and I never gave up on my son and so I don't understand your mother any more than I understand my own and why be so resentful about life as our mothers have been

I am so sorry Bay - thank God you are not like your mother -

Lots of hugs from someone else's mother who would love you

Dec

[BlueBay]

@Owlunar i know you get me, i know you understand the pain.  sometimes i wish i wasn't born that i just died as a premmie.  i keep thinking that poor little baby all alone in the hospital, no bonding with her mum.

I need a hug, a really tight hug, i need to feel someones arms around me

just anyone, tears are flowing

[Owlunar]

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@BlueBay wrote:

It's back to square one again, home alone. nothing to do, don't want to do anything

But why, why do i do this all the time.

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Hi @BlueBay - but I manage to copy your quote just to keep one line - 3 times

@Zoe7 and @utopia have written some great stuff - but you actually gave me your answer yesterday I think - and I have written part of my reply to that - so it will be above this one

Your mother did not even try to bond with you -

Imagine this - I don't know how your mother felt about being pregnant with you - but suddenly you were violently pushed out into a world you were not ready for - and this is terribly hard on your system at the best of times - we have all been born and we forget - but think about it from the view of a premmie baby

And you did not get your mother's nursing or hugs and cuddles - or anything like what even my premmie got when I could only go to the hospital on a few days a week - and you were left alone and not nurtured and this makes so much sense to me

You were alone and did not know when someone was going to come and hold you and feed you - and so you are now afraid of being alone and you have anxiety about the loved ones you have around you going away - and I do understand this - you don't want to do anything right now - I have those spells myself - I was worse back in my 40s when I had times when I could not doing anything about anything except cry -

Yep - I get it - maybe the way my mother treated me was similar though I was not premmie - but she told me she left me in my crib to cry and I guess that's why I am tough about things to this day - how I endure my chronic pain

You didn't deserve this or earn it in any way - and those negative feelings - perhaps somehow you find yourself in a place in your mind that reminds you of that loveless state you lived in - and maybe your Dad filled that space - and maybe this is why you feel as you do about him now - you love him and you miss him

No wonder you feel as if you can't love yourself and feel unworthy upon it - hard thought - and not true - but you feel them and there they are

How to deal with them - I don't know really - somehow through my own life I have learned to deal with them myself - but it takes time and one thing I did was walk along the beach in all weathers and learned to absorb my loneliness until it became solitude that has been my constant fall-back place for over 25 years

Yes - things do change - they are already changing

What would I do right now - if I was feeling so lost

Well - eat something perhaps not recommended - do something that is a waste of time to many people - I play computer games and read a lot

And if you don't feel like doing anything - don't - but my choice would be to put on something warm and walk along the beach - the tourists have gone - the beach will be empty

we love you hear Bay - I love you

Dec

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay Here with you - holding you close my friend. Sending you lots of warm, comforting hugs.

Zoe

[BlueBay]

thank you for beautiful friends @Owlunar @Zoe7@utopia

@Owlunar I wish I knew what to do.  

I am so lost, can't deal with anything at the moment.  I just want to curl up and die.

If i had a premmie baby i would anything, everything to be with my baby. i know she had my brother who was 3 yrs old but i am sure someone could have looked after him while she came to see me.

nurting, care, love and bonding starts at birth, not later.  it's too late. it's too late to bond now with her.

i will never bond with her anymore. it';s over.

there is so much deep seated lost in me, abandonment. tears, fear, loneliness, emptiness

gosh now i am sobbing,

i need to go.

@Owlunar pls tell me i will be okay, pls let me know that i can't die now.  pls tell me that it's not my fault.

i am crying for the little premmie baby that's me.  all alone in the hospital crib, trying to survive every day to pull through. 

god i hate her @Owlunar i hate her so much.  i need to stop typing for a while. i am sorry.  you are so right with what you wrote, everything makes sense. 

the only thing that doesn't make sense is - why and how can she do this to a little baby. i am so lost

[BlueBay]

thank you @Zoe7 

it's just hit me - i am not loved by her, never was and never will. 

i have just realised; 

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay But you are loved by so many others that you REALLY MATTER to!

And you have loved your children despite what you DID NOT learn from your own mother. Amazing strength and character to be such a wonderful mother yourself despite what you went through. You inspire me to keep going! Whenever I am feeling like you are now I actually think about you and how you do get through these horribly tough times - it does help 

We love you her my friend - as do your family.

You are not alone - we are with you.

Wrapping you in my arms to comfort you and take away some of the pain!

Zoe