Struggling to explain to my boyfriend why I'm such a crazy you know what. Can't ever find words, just want to scream IM STRUGGLING AND I DONT KNOW WHY. I put together this poem for anyone who can relate and some things that run through my head when I'm in a very low spot.
Today, I don't want to be alive
I wish you understood
I can't control my mind or thoughts
I know you wish I would.
I've been crying in this room for hours
Praying youd come check up
By the sound of your laughs as the TV blares
I've got a long night to cheer myself up.
I know I don't deserve you
Your time, your love, your smile
I wish I did, it hurts so bad
That I'll lose you in short while.
My temper rages day by day
My highs, they go so high
But when I'm down, and very down
I long to simply die.
To never feel the burn of anger,
Or shed another shuddering tear,
To be in control of my own soul,
And not give into fear.
I only want some happiness
A touch of love, full life, some kids
The life you say is in my reach,
It's easy for you, it's hell for me
I don't think you could understand
How someone's mind can stray so far,
You tell me get up, smile, move on
Stop being crazy, it's not that hard.
So I run away and hide from you
I can't hear that you doubt me too,
I can't hear that you're almost done
I cant hear that I'm all alone
I'm not crazy, I'm a product of madness
The life I grew up in full of confusion and sadness
I dont mean for excuses but when it gets bad just,
Remember I'm trying and tell me I have this.
Don't listen to the girl inside of me
Who's angry and spiteful and punishes with glee,
She's hurt and she's wounded and she never grew up,
She's caged in my heart and I won't let her out
Listen to the girl you know and you love
The one who bends over backwards just for a hug
Who listens and laughs and loaded with care,
She still sees a light, it's faint, but it's there.
I'm trying to bury the girl with the wounds,
The one that you hate, the psycho, the loon,
Be patient with me, I know that it's rough
I cant believe Im so lucky to find someone so tough.
Don't insult me with words or leave me to myself,
I've had years to do that, now I just need your help,
Love me more gently like you always have done,
I need to get better because you are my one.
I went to a concert with my kids in August and I feel like I'm slowly reclaiming it.
