Life can be a Pain

[Owlunar]

Thanks again @Adge@utopia@outlander@Shaz51

I meant that my daughter has an idea that if she doesn't worry about things - even think about them - she has told me she can block thoughts from her mind - and I guess she thinks that other people are the same way - and I am the opposite

Yes - we all need to ask questions - like Shaz and her Mum and Adge - I ask questions - and I know a fair bit of anatomy - I did a year's formal study - and I wanna know!!!!!!!!!

Today - also - I might as well be in for a penny or in for a pound - I had to cancel my appointment with my therapist and I rang at just after 9.00 am - I didn't have the bad back pain yesterday - I couldn't know 24 hours ahead that I was going to have a spike like this one

So I was told I would have to pay $55.00 cancellation fee - I asked about this when I first went there and I was told this wouldn't apply if I was sick - but yeah - seeing as I can't predict really bad pain days then I told them I was not going back - and not paying them either - 

I know myself from past experience and advice from my pain specialist that it is better not to push things at all when the pain spikes - it can take longer to settle and I am the one who pays. I was feeling pretty trashed during and after the sessions anyway - let's see what happens but I think I have had my 10 for this year - 

What a crappy few days - Yes - I know all of you are there and this is a good thing

Dec

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Zoe7

I had the feeling I had missed someone

[Zoe7]

I certainly didn't take it personally @Owlunar  

I am sorry to hear about what happened with you having to cancel your appointment - that seems totally unfair if you are sick. I wouldn't pay it either Dec... illness can't be helped!

[Bast]

@Owlunar@Shaz51@Zoe7

Hi Dec, you are clearly Up there in the award catergories as Dad of the year. You allow her just to be herself as you also try to do. The similarities are pretty close, I think. You both protect your privacy and loathe the idea of seeking support (aka Whinging) 

Of course your BP will escalate out of control - that is what the joys of stress hormones - cortisol and andrealine are all about. 

Please consider counselling - effective and just so essential. You are carrying far too much on your own - although I am heaterned to know that a diet of atificial/pretend ingedients are way up there for making people sick.

Somehow enjoy the trees for the woods. such a lovely place to be, just envisage a favourit soothing plae, how it looks, how you feel, the fragrance, the breeze, the touch and the sense of peace.Just breath and akkow yourself to be - just there.

With many thoughts Bastless and Odin

And apologies my typos are due to my mangled up hand

[Owlunar]

I know @Zoe7 - my head is everywhere atm

I really can take or leave a therapist - I needed her for a while and I might need someone again but I think it's pretty rough on people on a limited budget and in a bad place - or a bad stage of life or whatever

So I wrote what I really thought and then decided not to post it - but yeah - I think it's pretty shabby for people with stronger needs than I have - and believe me - a lot of people are more vulnerable

Dec

I AM so glad I didn't post this without reading it first - I would have posted what I really thought at the bottom and I really would not have been happy about that

[Zoe7]

Restraint is a sign of strength @Owlunar - so well done for showing that restraint 

My pdoc has asked me to let her know when I am having money issues and then she bulk bills me - so I am very lucky to have found a good one there. She would never charge me if I was too sick to see her - she has sent me home when I have been really unwell but still made it to see her (and hasn't charged for the shorter session) 

There are some very caring people out there - just not always easy to find!

[Owlunar]

Hi Bastless and Odin

I am so thrilled with getting a nomination for Dad of the Year - my daughter's Dad - in my memory - was a morose and sullen man who became more and more buried in his own pretend world - I hardly knew him

I am actually my daughter's mother but felt as if I was Dad and Mum to both of my kids - I may be selling their Dad short. He became increasingly withdrawn and morose as the years past and I have no idea about how he is now - I have my ideas about it but I was involved with both my kids to the hilt and their father was not - and my daughter rarely mentions him - I don't think she sees him much at all - 

But I really like the Dad of the Year idea - I have learned to let my daughter lead her own life - I  don't try and change her - I gave her her life and it is hers - but I love her so much I really hurt when she is not well

There are enough things in my life to give anyone high BP - I don't think it's out of control - (it's the tablets that have made me dizzy) and therapy - I am wondering about contracts people need to have with therapists - the last two I had moved interstate - I know I didn't talk about a contract with them - I didn't think about it. So three times I have had to start again - and I can keep a lid on the anxiety but it's there - and I wish I could just pretend it's not - I am trying to find ways of controlling my BP with the right food and meditation - and it should work fine if I can get a clear space without all new stuff cluttering up my life as it is atm

Then I can get back to going to the beach as I was - when I think back over the last few months the trees in the forest got too tangled and close to each other to enjoy all that much - but there are a lot of things in life I really do enjoy

I am a pianist and I read a lot - I like history too - I really study more in private than I have in a life of of formal study

But thanks for your post - and I really appreciate being thought of as my daughter's Dad as well as her mother - cause I think I did both and I just thought -  but now I think I might be a formidable example - not only did I work I studied as well - and was really there for both my kids working part-time when they were young

So thanks Bastless and Odin - that is a really fantastic compliment

Dec

@Bast

[Owlunar]

Hi again @Zoe7

I am so glad your pdoc bulk bills you - that is fantastic - and good to know

I know there are caring people about - I think I will stick with Life Line for the time being - 

My first psychologist was a man who really cared about me - although he really didn't understand how certain anniversaries caused me so much distress - like my son's dates - he was very caring and he would see me as often as I needed him to - and that was a long time ago

I thought this woman was caring - and maybe she is - but she works in a clinic and seems to be heavily booked

I am glad I showed restraint - I like that - actually today I felt too darn uncomfortable and rather sick as well - pain can do that - so I could have been angry if it had mattered enough - I guess it was going to cost me a lot to continue seeing her if I continued - and I am tired of getting into the past too much now - really - I know it's there but nothing can change it -  not all my tears nor all my forgiveness - things happened and I had no control over what they were -  so it's over and for now - as tired as I am right now - I will be okay - 

Thanks Zoe

Dec

[Zoe7]

You are at a place where I hope to be myself some time in the future @Owlunar - it is not an acceptance of what has happened but an acceptance that nothing can change what has happened - that is a place hard to come to but will be necessary if I am to move forward at all.

It is when we are tired that the past rears it's head the most I feel - it does for me anyway!  ]

We all have hinsight @Owlunar but not all have wisdom - you have that and it is something that is to be valued.

Goodnight Dec 

[Owlunar]

I hope you get here @Zoe7 - the past can't be changed - 

I am tired too - I have been for a while now - and the change in the weather in Melbourne over the weekend has caused my back pain to spike a few times - today was the worst 

Tonight I am thinking of the words of Omar Kyhham - I am not going to copy its style but the one I really like goes pretty much like this - you probably know it

The moving finger writes and having writ moves on

Nor can all thy piety nor wit draw it back to cancel half a line

Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it

This is so true - and maybe this is one of the main tenets of wisdom - I prayed for that when I was in my early 30s and started the painful process of gaining it that very day - my uncle told me that I was very young to pray for wisdom - but whatever caused me to do that must have been important

My mother has been gone for over three years now and sometimes I find my mind telling her that something that was said or done was not what I meant at all - then I realised she has gone and that she could not hear or understand when she was alive - not even when she still had her hearing

I feel really sorry for her now - I know I missed having a relationship with her but worse - I she missed having a relationship with me but alas - I don't think she ever knew it - though she might have at the end

Restraint, wisdom and acceptance that the past can't be changed - that is pretty powerful stuff

Thanks Zoe

Dec