Life can be a Pain

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

Having your Mum in a nursing home is hard yards - my mother was in a more classy sort of place - I guess physically she didn't need such a high degree of nursing but she had some kind of dementia and for 2.5 years I did not visit - she yelled at me to "Get out here" so I have her what she wanted - we never got on - but it is different for every family - I understand that - but I hope I never have to leave my home - I prefer it

Christmas and Easter breaks are tough though - I am not lonely - just alone - and I never feel really well after days alone like the holidays - hard to say what - Easter I could blame eating chocolate - but it's not that - Easter is worse for me because my son went into prison after Easter a long long time ago - ahd he died there - I have bad memories through this time of year and I think that is normal but still horrible

TS is my Toxic Sister - I have been dreaming about her lately - she is an interferring and bossy person I could do without - I am never sure how to take her and never prepared. There is always the hope that she will come to her senses but it's a faint one

I think I will wait until after Easter to contact my rellies - my uncle is getting on in years and is frail now - waiting until after Easter doesn't feel intrusive and it doesn't conflict with Blessed Easter messages - it will be more personal

Sometimes I think I need to get myself better organised but then - I cope alone and pay my bills and I come apart less as I older so yes - I think I am capable of taking care of myself - but I am very easy to push away - yet I need to keep in touch with my relatives -

It's hard without your mother in your life when she is in a nursing home - it must be hard visiting too

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @utopia

That's the thing about the holidays - people pass on and new people come - and then other people are in and out of our lives just as the way of the world

Things change

So Utopia and @Former-Member

I hope things go well when you visit your Mothers -

Dec

[Shaz51]

Hello @Owlunar

how are you today xx

I am sure to add social anxiety to my hubby`s lists of things he has

[Owlunar]

Hi @Shaz51

How are you?

I have been okay today - I got the place tidy - I have domestic help at 9.00am today - Tuesday - the Easter Holidays are over for this year - but we have Anzac Day and Mothers Day and it's definitely time for me to have another few days away and risk the angry cat syndrome again

Also - I have to take my cat to the vet to have her claws filed - feline mani-pedi - it saves my furniture and my skin and the front door

I am glad you don't have to cook an extra meal for your hubby - that would be more that I would want to do -

So maybe a lot of people can say to each other - "Happy after Easter Holidays" as the world gets back to normal with Anzac Day next Tuesday - too many holidays at once - ahhhh

Dec - I like company and my domestic helpers fit that bill nicely

[Former-Member]

Hi @Owlunar glad you got through this time of year. I have felt really alone too. No family to call just missing my kids. But am lucky in some ways that I don't have to deal with the toxicityb from family members so badly anymore.
Hope your Domestic help is good today, though sounds like you've already done allot.
🙂
Lj

[Former-Member]

Hello @Owlunar @Former-Member @Shaz51

I respect your decision re telephone call. When I respond to people, I want to be able to let them know that they are heard, that they do matter. Then I realise that I dont know their full story, their heartaches, their fears and I should learn to step back.

I do hope that I did not offend or hurt your feelings. Your explanation of the time frame and traumatic experience saddens me and at the same time reminds me how many people are suffering from loss.

One of your previous posts told the story of the son you loved, how you will never stop loving him and never forget him. Those loving thoughts are a part of you and can never be taken away from you by anyone.

Chronic pain is very hard to live with. I have had two bulging discs in my lower back that took 6 months to recover from. Also after the birth of my first son, I had back pain for some time. When I changed doctors, the new doctor gave me a thorough examination. He also asked many questions. At the end of the check up he told me that he wanted to refer me to a specialist, a psychiatrist as he felt that I was too sad; he wanted to see me happier. My guardian angel.

My point in bringing that up was that many months of physiotherapy did not help the back pain; the psychiatrist sessions did. Depression and back pain go hand in hand. This explanation is not to diminish your pain in the least as you have explained permanent damage. Chronic pain is serious and not to be taken lightly.

We had saturday, sunday and monday spending time with family. My mood was quite unsettled and agitated at times. Yes I missed the presence of mum on saturday when my sister and friend came for lunch. Also saying goodbye to mum in the nursing home, yesterday; strange leaving her on her own under the care of others.

There have been quite a few significant changes within my family since last year and I think it is still taking it's toll.

I also understand your comment "I think I am capable of taking care of myself - but I am very easy to push away - yet I need to keep in touch with my relatives"  I have the same feeling around my husband's family.

The University of Third Age has short courses, groups, classes membership $25 per year. I was in a local book club until october last year. Hope to eventually get back to it but will be looking at other courses on offer. Also the library has groups as well as speakers. A good place to meet people.

Thinking of you Dec. xxx

[Owlunar]

oss

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@mohill wrote:

I respect your decision re telephone call.

Hi Mohill - As hard as it is for me to reach out when I have pushed away from my family - I acknowledge that in earlier years my uncle was always there for me in the hard parts of my lifed  and we have both lost a son to suicide - I tried to support them in the best way possible but now I think my aunt is protecting my uncle and this maybe is not his decision but hers - and I respect that - but it's not easy

I do hope that I did not offend or hurt your feelings.

You have not hurt my feelings in the slightest - I do appreciate your wisdom - you are a thoughtful caring person with a lot to share

One of your previous posts told the story of the son you loved, how you will never stop loving him and never forget him. Those loving thoughts are a part of you and can never be taken away from you by anyone.

I will never stop loving my son or forget him - I am sure I think about him every day - as I think of my daughter. How can we know what we have forgotten through time - but I think that when a young person dies we do remember that - and when it is someone as close as one of our own children it is a commemoration - and in our sorrow for our loss a celebration of what we had - I do not want to give over my memories of him though for a long time now the grief as left - and yes - it has taken place over a long time-frame - and I have learned so much

Chronic pain is very hard to live with. I have had two bulging discs in my lower back that took 6 months to recover from. Also after the birth of my first son, I had back pain for some time. When I changed doctors, the new doctor gave me a thorough examination. He also asked many questions. At the end of the check up he told me that he wanted to refer me to a specialist, a psychiatrist as he felt that I was too sad; he wanted to see me happier. My guardian angel.

My point in bringing that up was that many months of physiotherapy did not help the back pain; the psychiatrist sessions did. Depression and back pain go hand in hand. This explanation is not to diminish your pain in the least as you have explained permanent damage. Chronic pain is serious and not to be taken lightly.

These a worthy comments on pain - chronic pain - yes - there are times when there is a psychiatric component - indeed it would be strange if there were not - but yes - I have MRI proof of degerating discs and pressure on the spinal cord - and I have seen a psychiatrist about this and also had help from a therapist - recently - who was helpful in saying "Your pain is very real - as the loss of your son is very real and the other issues in your life have been real" - I guess I have long ago accepted the pain - though I do get some strange opinions at times - and from professional people too - [sigh] - I have learned to look at the ceiling and change the subject about all that now

We had saturday, sunday and monday spending time with family. My mood was quite unsettled and agitated at times. Yes I missed the presence of mum on saturday when my sister and friend came for lunch. Also saying goodbye to mum in the nursing home, yesterday; strange leaving her on her own under the care of others.

I was okay with my mood over Easter - a little troubled from time to time but I have been so much worse - spending all of Sunday with a nasty headache meant I only got up to go back to bed and slept a lot sort of took one day out of the what-seems-to-last-forever weekend.

My father was in a nursing home for a few days - I do forget how long - before he died - that time is hazy and I know we had Christmas in there somewhere but it is a jumbled haze - I did not like it rwhen he was in the Nursing Homed - it seemed to me that there was not enough time for the staff to care for everyone there - and I had trouble one afternoon when Dad [who had lost his vision] - wanted to go to bed - I had to leave - and this made me weep before I left - I think he was well and truly ready to leave and I was able to accept that

There have been quite a few significant changes within my family since last year and I think it is still taking it's toll.

I have been playing Fun Trivia on lined - and doing so well I have reach the stage where I can start writing quizes myself - and good on you taking on the U3A - it's a good place to meet people. I am hoping to get back to church - I know there is a new minister due - time does fly - I need to check back at the church -

Thanks for such a thoughtful post Mohill

Dec

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[Owlunar]

Monday - after lunch

I rang my case worker today - I am waiting for her to ring back

On Friday I had a very nice person take me shopping - but she was a bit too helpful and I don't need to be treated like an elderly lady - I am pretty strong really - and I don't know what she knows about me as she was brought in from another area to help out

I don't feel like complaining - but I don't think it is complaining to report something that was not the best for me

I have had two surgeries on my left shoulder - and if I have to have anything done again it means a shoulder replacement - so really having this freaks me out so I want to get through the rest of my life without having it

This lady decided I needed her help to get into her car and grabbed my left arm to assist me - I froze and then asked her to let go - I could get into the car myself - and when I was seated I showed her the scar on my shoulder - done way before arthroscopic shoulder surgery - and asked her not to help me unless I asked

But when I was getting into her car after shopping she did the same thing - and this freaked me out - and I have been thinking all weekend - I think I should mention this - and telling my case-worker that I had nothing against this person at all - she was friendly and helped me in the supermarket when it came to getting heavy stuff or stuff that was high or low on the shelves

I think it's important - before the regular people come they are given relevant information about my "case" - and know I get around okay - and in fact - so many people still think I can't walk to the supermarket from the car park - but I can - no matter how hard I tell them that I can do this and do that - but can't manage the trolley or the heavy stuff - or the high or low stuff

Does this sound as if I am whinging? - it feels like it - but actually - just to have someone touch me without warning is something I don't like

Enough said - I think I should tell my case worker - and that I don't need the worker to get into trouble - just not to grab my shoulder - I can do that -

Yeah - that's enough - maybe I needed to rant

Dec

[Former-Member]

hello @Owlunar

You have every right to feel annoyed.

These carers are assigned to you by case managers

your case manager should have discussed with you your needs

those needs are not being met as well as your independence respected

I would ring the organisation, ask to speak to your case manager and discuss your concerns which you already know can be done in an assertive manner without your having to worry about the feelings of the other person.

hope that helps xx

[Former-Member]

Yes @Owlunar Sometimes just having a rant here helps sort my thoughts better too. I'm glad you are doing ok for the most part. I can understand you wanting to keep your independence for those things you can and also wanting to keep yourself safe from harm. 

I hope the day is ok for you. Drizzling with spits of rain here but quite warm still. I'm hoping to get out and see some Autumn colours this week.  If not my boys often take me hunting for autumn leaves on mothers days which isn't too far around the corner. 

Hugs 💜🤗