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[utopia]

Thanks @Jupiter. I keep trying.  I go to appointments,  take my meds. Try really hard to do things around the house - but fail almost every time.

My psychiatrist came and saw me and will add a mood stabalizer to my high dose anti depressant.  Am a bit concerned.  So will have to look it up.

I'm just tired of being like this. I don't think I even remember what I used to be like before all of this started.

[Former-Member]

Thinking of you @utopia

[Faith-and-Hope]

Me too ❣️

@utopia ❤️

[utopia]

So the Private Psych Hospital I go to, has decided (since I was last here in March) - to close the smokers courtyard. We had 3 courtyards with one of them judt for smokers.

So now we have to leave the hospital to have a smoke. But anytime you leave hospital - you have to get a nurse to write you a leave pass.

I'm not eligible for leave for a minimum of at least a week due to suicide attempt.

But I told my psychiatrist that I want 2 hours of leave - but only to be taken in 15 minute increments - just for a smoke. He approved it for me.

Two other units at the hospital have had their leave restricted to 4 passes a day - as it's too much work for the nurse to do.

Mine is the last unit that hasn't had this restriction placed on it.

We are inner city - in a not safe area & they think it's better for us to stand on the road and smoke. The footpath is all non smoking. 

The health specialists have gone nuts.

Last night I was put on a mood stabaliser that's normally associated with BiPolar - I think. But my psych says it should help boost my antidepressant (I'm way over the maximum dose there). And he's hoping it will give me energy and motivation. 

Has anyone ever heard of it working for MDD & boosting energy and motivation? 

Very lonely in here. Usually we used to meet people in the smokers courtyard and connect.  Almost no one in my units lounge room. Not sure what to do. Bored. Teary. Angry. Running suicidal thoughhts and plans in my head still. Restless.

[Zoe7]

@utopia I'm on so many different meds I don't even remember what is for what anymore - so can't help you out with yours 

Sounds like they haven't thought about how closing areas affect people there - it is fine to have restrictions on having certain areas like the smoker's courtyard but to take it away -altogether sounds counter productive for thise dealing with much greater issues!

I am pleased you are back where you can get some support though @utopia - even though we don't chat as much these days I still appreciate you being around when you can and hope for only the best for you. I really hope this stay can help to stabilise how you are feeling and you can find that spark in your life again. I do know how hard it is to get by day by day when you lose hope and motivation/

Sending you love and hugs my beautiful cocky friend 

[Former-Member]

You've done so well to make the decision to go to hospital @utopia. It's not at all easy to do. In light of how tough things have been lately, it sounds like exactly the right space for you to help with your recovery for now. Just a heads up that I've sent you an email too. Take care 🌻

[utopia]

Thanks gals.

@Zoe7  - no spark. I can't think of anything I enjoy doing.  But it's also harder to remember things I liked doing 4 or 5 years ago before I got sick. 

Am totally lost.

And I'm sorry that you too knows what it feels like. 

But I just hate the whole world right now. And have zero strength

[Zoe7]

It is sad that any of us know how you feel @utopia but that is why we stand right with you because we do know what it is like to feel like there is nothing left in this world for us. I also do remember you being by my side when I have felt like this so just returning the favour here @utopia  It is a hrrible place to be when you cannot even see the tunnel let alone any light in it but it is there - you just have to find your way back to it!

I hope these meds help you to see a little more hope in your life and while you are lacking that motivation or hope yourself - we will be here to remind you of it.

You know how I feel about you and our friendship Hon and I hate seeing you this low but I am sitting right beside you and sensing you huge hugs 

[utopia]

Thank you my butterfly friend.

@Zoe7 ♥♡♥♡♥

[Zoe7]

Anytime I can be here for you I will be @utopia - just a tag away Hon 

How are you settling in?