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[utopia]

Thanks everyone.  Abiut to run out of ph battery.

So I go to group called Into To Self Compassion.  Well I was a crying snotty mess from the start if the group til I left early.

Asked Anker for my tiny little piddly dose of calmer. No. I've had my allowance already.  I saud what - I haven't had any today. But as Anker liked to point out - I had 1 at 5'oclock yesterday after the no more smoking leave- had one at 10.30 with my sleeper and another when I woke up for the 4th time at 3am. So I'd used up my max 15mg. Can't have any til 5pm. 

I've run out of tissues in my pocket so my right sleeve is wiping my tears. My left sleeve is wiping my snot. Classy I know. 

Anker suggests I do some Sudoku or coloring in to help calm down. Seriously when I'm this distressed. FARK!!!

SO  I said give me my final leave pass - I'm going to smoke a heap. He said but what if your psych doesn't come. I said he will. But either way I'm smokimg tonight regardless. 

Had 4 cigarettes in a row. Felt sick. But I'd be buggered if I'll tell Anker that.

I hand back my leave pass and who is there but my psych.  Anker rang him to come and see me.

Talk to my psych- he said yesterday he gave approval for an extended hr. I said, without your signature - it doesn't mean anything.  He said then what did you do. I said management approved 1 smoke. He said what about the rest of the time.

I said,  'will you keep it out of my file? ' he said yes. So I told him I snuck out twice. He replied "I didn't hear that". Then he said he has just approved 5 hrs daily leave - to be taken as smoko leave only until I feel safer and he agrees. 

More to folliw when battery charged

[Zoe7]

oh wow - 5 hrs is awesome @utopia woohoo

[Faith-and-Hope]

Wtg @utopia ..... great honest communication.  Love that your psych is hearing you .....

[Owlunar]

Well done @utopia

I guess non-smokers don't know how needing a cigaretter can blow all other ideas out of our mind - and colouring in or puzzles don't do the job

Even I know this - this is not the time to be piddling with smokes - or calmers for that matter

I bet you have the feeling that all of this is a waste of time - and crying without tissues - oh what else can they do to you

But you have been heard - that's good - it worked - being assertive about it worked

That's great

Dec

[Mazarita]

Good news, @utopia. You don't need the extra stress. Hope things start to feel better after jumping those painful obstacles.

[Appleblossom]

Just glad to hear our resident cocky is alive and squawking.

Lots of love @utopia

[utopia]

So many stupid comments I heard yesterday by 'professional' staff. My psych asked how my new mood stabaliser was and did I think it was working.  I said other than a dry mouth,  constant thirst and constant weeing - everything is the same. He said what about your mood - has your suicidal thoughts diminished? . I said no. Suicidal thoughts are still present 24/7.

And then he says, "so do you think these new meds are working? ??? SERIOUSLY !!!!

I just replied with ' you're the quack, you tell me if they are working'.

Am I stupid here? Did I miss something,  or was he being thick as a brick asking such a stupid question when I said the thoughts were still there?

[Zoe7]

Thick as a brick seems to be appropriate here @utopia 

He certainly doesn't seem to have listened to anything you said - so frustrating 

[utopia]

The GP I had to see here last night decided that I definitely need some medication due to my high blood pressure,  but she says, she won't be giving me blood pressure tablets, no, these other tablets she will give me will just lower my blood pressure but they are not blood pressure tablets. Lol.

Drives me mad in here.

At about 7.10pm I asked for leave til 8pm (when smoking finishes fot everyone). Was feeling pretty chuffed I could ask for such a long time. Anker said he will write my pass. But at the same time a student nurse wanted to di my obs. So she takes my bp and then takes it again because she must have made a mistake she thinks. Nope 191/? She goes to write it in my chart. Anker hands me my pass and I head downstairs to go for my long smoko. I show my pass to reception and she says "I just got a phone call you need to go straight back to your unit FARK!

I get up to the nurses room, bang on the door,  didn't care who opened it & I yelled "this better not be about my f***ing bp".

Anker yells back. "Of course it's about your bp".

Because it was tooo high - he had to take it. Aaarrrggghhh!!!

But he knew how to do it - ask me a question about something else  then of course my bp reading was better and I got to go down and have my smokes

[BlueBay]

Gosh @utopia they sure know how to make your life tough in there. Thinking if you lovely. ❤️❤️❤️