Groundhog Day - our thoughts and our stories finding our way along the journey

[Former-Member]

Would your mum listen if you asked her not to talk about those things that upset you? Sometimes just hearing about what other family members are doing that have wronged me can trigger. I change the subject very quickly - I don't want to know. I think I do understand @Former-Member - it is best to avoid those conversations.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Owlunar - I am so glad the forums help you. Constant pain is hard - does wear us down and the heat is very oppressive when feeling that way. I have trouble doing things when that humidity hits. Your daughter sounds a real treasure and delight - as does @Former-Member's. Very blesse. Mine will get there one day. I like reading your stories - they are inspiring and I look forward to reading more posts from you around the forums and here as the weather cools. 💜😘xx

[Former-Member]

Have told her many times. She forgets. I keep away as much as I can. Rarely speak lately. Which I feel guilty about, because she’s very old.
@Former-Member
It’s a long story.
Involves them all.
Tried many times to resolve, but some people won’t accept or change.
💜🌸

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I understand - you wish you could be encouraging but I am guessing you have had a trigger and that has set off some uncomfortable memories and these are hard to get past today and you wish this was not that case

What we "should" be doing - today or at any other time - I battle with this idea and I came across it a life-time ago - it's a bossy, parent word with not clear definition - eg - an engineer tries an experiment and says "This should work" almost assuming it won't but if he said "This ought to work" - it sounds as if he knows that it can and let's try and forget about what we "should" be doing cause this is someone else's ideas about our abilities

The relality is that today you can't - and that's fine with me - with most understanding people - today - you need the support and here we are - and I care about that - I care that you got triggered. We all get triggered - my guess is that we are all here because we have trauma in our past that has really bitten us and continues to hit us like a giant shrimp with a massive punch at times. Smack - down we go.

I can hear what you are saying - today - let me send an up-lifting thought - okay - I am thinking of one - I don't know who started the thread but I know when I start one for a while I feel really maternal about it. I try and answer everyone's contribution - and then I wil get a trigger or something takes my mind away from the forum - good weather is a beauty - I love it - 

But whatever - esp considering triggers - they happen and seeing as all our lives - everyone one of us all our lives is a works-in-progress. No one is finished until the end of their life here - and yet - as we get older - or this is true for me anyway - I have less time for negativity - I still get it but it's like I make an appointment with it and spend less time fretting - I can't change whatever 

It's hard but I promise you that with increasing years we find it easier - one good thing about the adding on of decades is that eventually time can ease many memories - I don't think they will ever go away - but it's like looking at an old scar - remembering when the injury or operation happened but we can let it go - 

I promise you this will be the case for you too

Dec

[Former-Member]

True, some people never change or can't admit fault on their part. That's the problem and healing can't occur. They can carry the guilt though.....with old age senility can slip in and yes, your mum will forget. That's a hard situation @Former-Member. But with the responsibilities you are under now, I can understand that triggers would be best to avoid in order to cope. 🌹xx

[Former-Member]

That's so true @Owlunar - the old scars are always there but in time it is about letting go - and it's a work in progress which in time and with practice eases the pain ❤️. I am working on letting go of my daughter...I must for my well being. It all makes sense what you said - thank you for sharing 💞

[Owlunar]

---

@Former-Memberwrote:
Have told her many times. She forgets. I keep away as much as I can. Rarely speak lately. Which I feel guilty about, because she’s very old.
@Former-Member
It’s a long story.
Involves them all.
Tried many times to resolve, but some people won’t accept or change.
💜🌸

---

Aw @Former-Member

I can tell you about my mother - she was very emotionally cruel - there were times when I didn't see her - or my original family - for years on end - not even birthdays or Christmas - and yes - they are tough memories

After Dad died my mother - who was in care - totally lost the plot and snarled at me when I went and saw her - not pleasant at all - and I would cry when I got home and I decided enough was enough in a second one day and went up to her bed and said

"You have been driving me away all my life and today is the last day. I am not coming back"

I opened the door and waited for a short time but she had turned to face the wall and eventually I closed the door behind me and left forever - and cried a lot but only that day.

For the next 2.5 years I sent cards and notes about once a month and never once had a reply - and my sister told me she was dying and I saw the old woman in hospital - she couldn't talk or speak but she wept and I stroked her hands and wiped her eyes and said nothing and I could see massive regret and I did not feel anything - only sorrow for a woman who had seen fit to treat her first child in such a shabby way.

And I found my sister who tried to lay a guilt trip on me had been reading my letters to my mother and had not once contacted me about this - I have never felt guilty though because I really thought my mother wanted it this way and she has been gone a few years now and I still do not have regrets nor feel guilty. I am sorry she chose to do this to herself though

I dunno what your mother has done to you Bella but you are not responsible for that - you can have compassion because she is old and lonely and unhappy and whatever it is she feels but guilty - no - there is no need for that because you stay away. Whatever it is she forgets - and you stay away as I did

For me I hold an idea - someone gave me years ago - why need I bother with someone who doesn't want to spend time with me - time is a precious commodity - we can never get back any off it - 

I know from experience how this must hurt - I think it hurt me everyday though truly in the years since she died I have forgotten but I do remember making a daily decision not to visit - maybe you have the same conversation in your head as I did - not a good idea but if you do have this happening it means you still care and not going - well - she seems to forget

So hard - I know - there are many kinds of dementia and it is cruel to all concerned - but Bella - care for yourself - 

I don't just understand - I know -

Dec

[Former-Member]

Back later @Former-Member @Owlunar
Dealing with unexpected in law “stuff” now.
Will return when I can.
Thanks for your kindness and understanding.
💜😘🌷🌸🌺

Appreciate your last messages, but will have to read them later. xo.

Neither of you have triggered me, it’s just life. 🤔😘

[Owlunar]

Thanks for letting us know @Former-Member

All the best with the in-law stuff

Dec

💖

[Former-Member]

Yes, I do believe that you both understand @Owlunar @Former-Member 💜
I can tell from your messages that you both have suffered in life and I’m so sorry that you have been through so much.
You are both so kind and caring and deserve peace and happiness in life.

Well, I’m still getting over the shock and hurt from today’s event re inlaw.
I so wish I could cry it all out properly, but can’t seem to.

We all have something in common, we all like cooler weather. Our winters are perfect.
Autumn here has been hot and rainy.

I wish I could shake off this awful feeling.

Need to distract somehow, but have zero energy.

Went to shopping centre to try and distract, but too tired to enjoy looking, so came home.

Guess it’s another day to cross off and try and forget.

Start afresh tomorrow.

I’m trying to have a break from sleep meds. Down to a quarter last night. Very broken sleep.
I have to have a break, because they cause my eyes to get very blurry. I’ve noticed before when having a break, that my eyesight improves.
This time I’ve been taking them too long and I believe it’s the reason my hair is falling out a lot.
It’s hard going off them, because I look forward to the relief from the day, as they help me to relax.
Takes determination, that’s for sure. But I can’t lose anymore hair. 😳

Wish I had something encouraging to say to you both, as I appreciate your kind words to me.

Know that I care though. ❤️😘🌺🌷