Lived Experience Forum

[Trauma0]

@NatureLover you're more then welcome, 

[Trauma0]

@NatureLover 

Why do I feel so alone even when in a relationship

Why am I filled up with so much emptiness 

Why can't I find it in my heart to trust my partner to hold and cherish my heart and not to shatter it into a million pieces (I've been with him for over 5 years) 

I have so many self doubts about myself because of how much I've been bullied and fucked around in my past 

I believe that im just going to be shoved to the side once my partner is bored of me and wants something new (even though he says to me he wants to marry me)(I still don't believe nor trust it)

I'm constantly battling flight or fight mode against weather or not to just break up with him because at the point I can't seem to get through to him when he just sits there and laughs at what I'm saying because that's how he copes with serious conversations and I can't express how I feel to him because I'm scared that his just gone laugh at me 

I'm so empty that I feel like I've got nothing left to live for 

I know I have things to work towards but it doesn't feel like I have any motivation to do anything because of how much dwelling this whole effing thing has taken on me I'm so tired exhausted having no mental compacity to keep moving forward with the positive things that are happening in my life 

[Jynx]

Hey @Trauma0 I am so sorry to hear that things are so rough, and that you're feeling so isolated in your feelings. I am hearing that you feel very worried about your partner leaving you, or that you will yourself need to leave. I think it's a pretty common trauma response to always feel like you're 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'. When we've been through really horrible things, our system can become over-tuned to any possible sign of that pain occurring again, even in a situation where it is highly unlikely. 

Have you expressed much about how you're feeling to your partner? I saw you said that he just laughs when you try to talk to him, but that you recognise that might be one of his defence mechanisms to deal with emotional situations. How would your partner respond if you let him know how you feel when he laughs things off? 

I hope that you're able to give yourself a break - sounds like you're carrying a lot and you're even struggling to engage with the positive things in your life. Sometimes a rest and reset can go a long way. Is there anything you could postpone or take time away from to give yourself time to replenish your energy? 

[ArraDreaming]

@Trauma0

I just wanted to let you know I am here sitting with you.
To be completely honest I am a bit lost for words, I experienced a huge amount of trauma as youngen too.
The things you’ve said about the meds and the counsellor not working for you all struck a cord.
But I want you to know life got better I’m 29 now and there is now way even 6,7 years ago you could have told me I would be where I am now I saw no hope for my future.

I am sitting here with you, and always happy to chat. @Trauma0

Like I said, I’ve been through a bit so I need to be honest with you that I can sit with you and chat and I would like to be mates with you on here, but some of the trauma is a bit difficult for me still

[Trauma0]

@ArraDreaming 

Hey Darl I'm 22 and I'm sorry about the trauma you've been through, it must be hard having to go through the things you have been through all of my trauma I haven't even been able to completely heal I've gotten 45% there healed but now I'm back down 2% because of so much that I've been through with my trauma and I'll be glad to be mates with you on here then that way we can work together to you know start healing in a way because I once heard if you heal with someone who's got similar problems you'll be able to finally have somebody to talk to about it and finally have that closure that you have somebody who understands you and what youve been through 

[Trauma0]

@Jynx thank you for reaching out to me I appreciate it so much 

[tyme]

Hey @Trauma0 ,

Great to meet you. Thank you for sharing a little about yourself. I can see how trauma at such a young age has really impacted you.

We are here for you.

What are some things you are interested in? What keeps you going?

[QueenB81]

TW: Sexual Abuse

Content/trigger warning

I know a thing or two about sexaul assault. I was groomed from around 5 years old being exposed to pornography and adult magazines with that's what you will look when you become a woman with descriptive comments of how beautiful and tasteful I will be. I was innocent and didn't know what was really happening, my predator made me feel safe and I trusted him I looked up to him. But the psychological programming of my predator with his grooming had already taken affect on me. Before you know it I was self exploring myself sexually and doing to my pillows like the women I had seen in Porn that I was exposed too. By the time I turned 12 I had started pubity and my preditor started touching me and not going to lie it felt good and I thought it was a special bond because that was the grooming over several years. There was no early education about sexual abuse in the 80's and I learnt about sexual abuse in year 7, you could imagine what I was feeling. As the education on sexual abuse I realised what was happening to me and how I became accepting of what was happening to me and I felt utterly sick to my stomach, I wanted to cry and scream but I couldn't because then all my classmates and my teacher would know so I sat in silence holding it all in. From that moment on I started fighting against my predator and yelling out don't touch me leave me alone in the hope my mother would come into my room and see what was happening to me but she didn't. My predator would just say I was acting out being a typical teenager. 

I finally at the age of 14 told my friends to which the principal was informed and DCP were called. I was removed from my home that very same day, I made my statement to the police to which was humiliating and frustrating as the police officer taking Mt statement would ask me when each event of sexual assault accord what date, month and year. I was like it's not like I kept a dairy on all this. I under went a sexual assault examination that showed scaring down there. My predator was arrested and charged and I pleaded with DCP to put me on the stand to tell the court what he did to me. But I was denied that by DCP and well the justice system failed me as my predator was found innocent of the crimes against me and walked free. DCP had let me down and put me in endanger more times then I can count with being shipped from youth shelter to share homes and foster families that shouldn't be foster carers as they treated me like sh!t. I was just a number to DCP as I fell through the cracks of the very system that was to protect me and keep me safe in stable environments that did not exist. I also took my own life when I was told about the courts findings and I was clinically dead for almost 3 minutes after taking entire box of high dosage antidepressants. 

I ended up fighting back against DCP and moved back home and told DCP if they didn't sign back my mums parental guardianship of me that I was going to rain news crews on their door step as I told of the horrors that is DCP and then I will sue this department for the neglect of a minor and the emotional and psychological damage you have caused me. Needless to say DCP didn't want an angry 15 year old exposing the real truth of DCP and the treatment to teenagers and they drew up the paperwork and signed me back over to my mum.

I spent many years hiding the truth about my sexual abuse until one day I realised I had to speak of my sexual abuse to friends and family and my partner. I spoke of how I have struggled with getting past what happened to me and how that has effected me and why I am the way I am. Finally speaking my truth started the process of self realisation and self preservation to see how it all happened and how that one event destroyed a part of my adult life. I spiralled here in and there with excessive drinking on the weekends and then that led to party drugs that led me to meth. I become co-dependent on Meth numb the pain and hurt and shame and guilt and just so I didn't have to feel the weight of the past on my heart. I was a functioning meth user who held down a job and bills paid maintained my car and always had a roof over my head. To most people who saw me they would not of guessed I was high on meth as I didn't show the normal signs of a meth user. 

So my journey to healing became much greater but you know what i got there and found forgiveness for myself and released all that guilt and shame and anger from my heart with acceptance and understanding that none of it was my fault as I leg go of it all.

It's a hard journey and it is a lonely journey as you relive every traumatic event to date like it was yesterday to re-feel everything that you felt and accepting it and understanding it as you allow your let go and be free of the torment of my traumas and found forgiveness to only myself but to every abuser I had in my life and somehow I found peace in my heart, mind and soul and that's sense of freedom as I shackled myself from the pain of my past.

Life is so much better for me now and I have turned all that pain into strength as I embark on my peer pathway to help others heal and live again through my lived experience.

[Trauma0]

Hey Darl, I'm so sorry about all of that I understand how annoying and frustrating all of your trauma would have felt like, I completely relate to everything you were saying besides the magazine part, I found that out myself after being sexually assaulted, you're so brave for everything you've been through, were both brave and we're both going to get through all of the shit we've been through 

[QueenB81]

@Trauma0 yes we will both get through the healing as we move forward to a brighter future, conquering our goals and aspirations. Don't let anyone stop you from achieving all the amazing things you have set for yourself, prioritise yourself as you are the most important person in your own life.

Time to close the book and start a new one "insert blank page here" and be the author of your own life and write it your way.