Caring for an elderly, dying parent...

[Sahara]

Hi @TAB, thanks for contributing. I understand about not having feelings for your father. You know what? You don't have to have feelings for him... it's Ok not to like him all that much. He was a tyrant and you were probably afraid of him as a kid? Sorry, I don't want to put words into your mouth, here.

I was always afraid of my Mum. She was the tyrant in our household.... but I did love her as well. 

Love and fear run hand in hand, in our weird family!

Whatever you feel now is fine @TAB. It's ok to have mixed feelings, too.

@Former-Member, I am sorry to hear about your best friend's husband. I hope the new drug works for him. It must have been good to see your friend, anyway.

I just rang my 'best friend' to talk to, but she wasn't there. I don't mind. It probably wouldn't make that much difference talking to her anyway. I really do have to try and let go of a bit of anger before I go back to my Dad's bedside, one way or another.

I am so fortunate that my Dad's neighbour has let me stay in her house tomorrow night, as my Sis and Bro are at my Dad's place and there is no room left at the inn, so to speak.

I have mixed feelings about my Dad, too. I would love to say he was a great Dad. In fact, he was mainly an absent Dad. He worked all the time and then just went fishing and camping when he had some free time. My Mum hated that he was never around much.  He did love us, but other than providing for us all financially, I don't know if he were really all that much of a role-model or anything. Still, I guess he was a whole lot better than most.

The last 2 years, he has just been very unhappy and it has been difficult to be around him. I tried to help him any way I could. but I don't think all the stuff I did made much difference. He was still always unhappy and dreary and a big drain. 

Oh, well, chin up, and all that. It can't get much worse.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Sahara

It sounds absolutely the pits - your sibs you could do without I guess

I was close to Dad but not my mother - I had learned not to be afraid of her and stopped letting her hurt my feelings but she was bitchy to the end and I could see - pretty bad regrets

I haven't read all your posts but I am wondering if you get on with your Dad now or is it just plain hard yards with your sooky sibs wandering in and out - sheesh - your sister and her computer - I remember - she has always been a workaholic - 

All my sentences are starting with "I" but this one - I had better read your posts to see how things are between you and your Dad but I get the picture - 

Aging parents - I was pushed right out of the picture - perhaps this was a good thing but then - I am guessing after all these years my mother's ashes have been interred but no one has ever told me -

I'll read your posts

Dec

[Former-Member]

All your feelings re your Dad and family are bound to come up now under the circumstances @Sahara. I hope this forum has served as a positive way to work through all that to lead eventually to a place of making some peace with it all. Before that happens we have to express suppressed feelings and let it all out.  It takes time. Anger is all part of that process...I get you 💐

What wonderful neighbours your Dad has to offer you a room. Takes Some of the worry and pressure off.

I could imagine your Dad being very unhappy these last 2 years upon losing his wife...grief is hard to carry and effects all whom are close - it Is the hardest pain to endure and is draining. Usually leds to depression if it goes on too long. Your help would of made a difference - more than you know. Compassion always makes a difference in people's lives. But yes, we need to look after our well being as well and balance is needed. One day at a time...It is all I can do.

[Owlunar]

Oh hi again @Sahara

I read your earlier posts - yes - you have an oppositional old man refusing help and he's got end-stage cancer and your sibs are being useless and I could add worse adjectives I guess

I don't know what to say really - but I guess your Dad is really to go and any help might be prolonging the inevitable but that is really hard for you - and what????? - the hospital says there is no need for him to be there -  makes me wonder - carers have a hard time I am sure - but what about you and what you need right now?

It seems your sibs are not interested in being useful right now - and I think your anger is normal and I think I would feel the same - my sibs are pretty useless too - but my Toxic Sister ran the show and I didn't like her behaviour and left her with it - 

I understand Sahara and care about you and know this is a really hard time for you

And your brother and the will - what can he know about your Dad's wishes about his car - it should be in his will and hopefully there is one - and hopefully your father has left someone with instructions regarding his effects

This is one shit of a time for you - and I know you are writing your Ph.D and have a life of your own - which is a good thing - and having your once happy-enough Dad turn into such an oppositional man is a kind of nightmare for you

I wish you the best - it is bloody awful - I see that - no doubt my toxic sister would feel I was flakey but in all the time I didn't visit my mother I wrote notes and my sister never answered one but read them all - and our brother - not a nice person - dunno about him

Thinking of you Sahara - and yeah - if he needs someone with him at night there that is up to him - the services are there but it seems he doesn't want them

I wish things were better for you

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @TAB

Old friend Tabby-Cat - I understand how you feel - been through - and you have enough on without getting involved with a Dad you didn't really know that well or like that much

Offering support from afar - true - 2000 km is afar - I wrote my mother cards and notes and never got a response

I'm just thinking - being someone's mother myself - we are responsible for the lives we bring into the world but we didn't do this for our parents or siblings so I guess myself we don't owe them that much.

Whatever your feeling are Tab they are natural - I couldn't please my mother and gave up trying - they saying is "Do unto others" etc - but if they have not done unto us in a pleasant way then - um - yeah - if I was talking aloud right now I would be falling over my words and getting flushed

A lot of people here had parents that were hard on them - I wonder what they really want in their old age or last years or whatever - it would be great if we could help but I wonder if we really can when things get this dark and shadowy

Dec

[TAB]

Yeah I suppose so @Former-Member we are all hes got too. All his siblings etc overseas. Guess there was a reason he left who knows. Mum went in April last year. That was the start of him not accepting things guess. I should ring him soon . Ive become wrapped up in what passes for my life

[TAB]

Can relate to all of that post @Sahara

[TAB]

Mum was the 'good' one the one that nice and likeable @Owlunar

[Former-Member]

Hope all is okay with you @Sahara. Thinking of you 💐💞

[Owlunar]

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@TABwrote:
Mum was the 'good' one the one that nice and likeable @Owlunar

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Yes @TAB

You have reminded me about your parents - my  Dad was the "good" one and I believe he was often conflicted about how my mother treated me

I guess that seeing as "end-of-life" stories are as common as they are different - all of us at some stage need to go through that

Actually no one has told me if or when my mother's ashes have or have not been interred - not that it makes any difference - 

All the best Tab - I am not up-to-date - how is the grumpy old guy - I care - I wish I could be more useful

Dec