Lived Experience Forum

[MG_bp2]

Hi everyone, 

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 later in life (31). How do you deal with a diagnosis this late? If I knew I had BP2 I feel like I would have made so many different choices.  

I have struggled with my mental health since I was 14. I was first put on antidepressants at 18 and spent a lot of time in my 20s struggling with depression. In hindsight the signs of bipolar were there but hypomania was mostly pretty mild, depression was always my main problem. It’s difficult to explain, but even though I had many depressive episodes prior to my BP diagnosis, I always felt optimistic that each depressive episode might be me last one”. Each time I really thought I was getting better at managing depressive episodes and I was hopeful that one day, my mental health struggles would be a thing of the past.

I had a few good years, I got married and I had 2 children. I suffered severely with PND when my first child was born but we got through.

My marriage ended unexpectedly (due to infidelity) in 2021. Months after the initial discovery I had a full break down and was hospitalised and diagnosed with BP2.

I know some people say a diagnosis gave them relief or at least some acknowledgement. It hasn’t felt that way for me. Finding out I have bipolar feels like I’ve been given a life sentence.

I’ve lost hope that one day my mental health problems will be a thing of the past. Bipolar is permanent. I feel constant guilt and worry that I have passed my genes onto my children, if I had known I had bipolar I feel like I wouldn’t have had them. Most days life feels like it’s just something I have to withstand. While there are happy moments in my life and things I’m grateful for it feels like there is a constant dark cloud hanging over everything. 
How do I accept that this is my life ? That my mental health diagnosis is permanent? Any hopes of dreams I had of a happy life feel no longer possible. I

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @MG_bp2 🙂

I'm truly sorry to hear about how you have been feeling. It takes a lot of strength to reach out, so I want to thank you for sharing your story.

I also want to acknowledge the depth of your journey and your resilience in navigating through everything. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and uncertain upon receiving a diagnosis that feels like a shift in your understanding of yourself and your future.

The feeling of a life sentence that you described is valid, but I want to reassure you that a diagnosis is just a part of your story, not the entirety of it. I know it might not feel like it at this time but it doesn't define you or dictate your entire life. It's a part of you but not all of you.

Accepting a diagnosis like this can be a long and winding road, filled with ups and downs. It's okay to feel the weight of it all and to mourn the loss of the future you envisioned. But please know that there is still room for hope and growth, even within the confines of a mental health diagnosis.

I encourage you to lean on support networks, both online and offline. Are you currently connected with any professional support?

Take things one day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. Sitting with you 💜

[Jasper_123]

Hi @MG_bp2 , thank you for sharing about your experience and feelings. 

I think it would be helpful for you to read about 'radical acceptance', this really helped me on my mental health journey.

https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-radical-acceptance/#:~:text=At%20its%20most%20basic%2C%20.... 

I think that your statement about not having children if you'd known about your diagnosis is really sad as it shows how much you have struggled with the condition but despite this I am sure you have many positive qualities that your children admire about you. 

Can you think of any positives to having bi-polar? 

[amber22]

Hey there @MG_bp2 

I just wanted to pop in here and say that next week we have an upcoming Topic Tuesday that you might be interested in. We will be having a special guest who has lived experience of Bipolar and how they have navigated it throughout different phases and periods of their life. You're welcome to bring along any questions you may have about your own experiences too. 

I'll link it here for you

If you are unable to make it on the night of the event, the resource will stay up as a thread that you can read through to gain some more insight if needed. 

Hope to see you there,

Amber22

[8ppleTree]

Hi @MG_bp2 

It can hit you like a tonne of bricks, when you get that diagnosis. Looking back at all the events with a different perspective again 🩵

It's ok to grieve. It's ok to accept a known thing. Before you didn't really know. Now you do. If it makes you feel better, in 30-50 years, they'll probably have learnt so much more about the brain, and it might not even be what we think it is.. but who knows..? This is today.

 Whenever you get worried, just think, "all the people who didn't know were pushing s%$# uphill. Now I'm pushing it uphill with a wheelbarrow" 😉

Sorry for the dark humour. It helps me with my stuff, and I hope it helps you with yours, but I don't mean any disrespect. There's a book called "Learning to be sick" by Toni Bernhard, it really helped me when I needed it. That and a tonne of inappropriate memes. 

[MG_bp2]

Thanks @amber22 

I’ll see if I can join.

[tyme]

You are not alone @MG_bp2 

We are all here to support you. 

What are some things you are interested in?

[MG_bp2]

Hi @Jasper_123, 

Thanks for your response. I have heard about radical acceptance as I’ve dabbled a bit in Buddhism and it’s a concept that is mentioned there. I will check the article you shared.

Thank you for saying that. I feel constant disappointment in myself that I’m not able to be the mother my children deserve. They are young (5 and 😎 and I’m sure the childhood of dealing with a depressed mother has affected their development more than I even realise.

Sometimes people who have bipolar say it can help them be creative or artistic. I don’t have an artistic bone in my body so I can’t relate to anything positive. 
The only thing good about hypomania for me is usually it’s gives me energy to clean a lot, reorganise and declutter. Other than that I just embarrass myself in social situations with excessive talking and waste a lot of money with reckless spending. For me, hypomania is only a few weeks a year, the rest of the time I’m stuck being depressed and I don’t see any huge benefits to that. 

The only benefit I can think of is perhaps it’s given me greater empathy towards others as I’m a very sensitive person. 

[MG_bp2]

Thank you for your response. 

I do have mental health care plan and a psychologist I’m seeing. I had an appointment booked this week. technically I am only supposed to work the equivalent of 4 days per week (I do a half day on Fridays) and I had an appointment booked for Friday afternoon after work. I have been asked by the CEO to present at a Board Meeting this Friday the exact time as my appointment. I spoke to the executive assistant to see if I could present at another time and I just can’t get out of it. My psychologists next free appointment is the 29 April which feels like a long time away. 

[tyme]

I hope the forums are a source of support for you even while you are waiting for appointments. Radical acceptance is such an important skill @MG_bp2 

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.