Am Not Coping

[Zoe7]

The good news is my money has finally come through - such a relief!

Have had my psychiatrist appointment. I told her how tough the last week has been - financially, physically and mentally. We briefly discussed how much my illness has affected me emotionally as well as physically and how triggering not being able to breathe properly has been. She did ask in what way - I just shook my head - and she said 'that is what you can't talk about'. She was spot on and didn't push it any further. I told her about yesterday and the effect it had on me then and still does now. She is not surprised I am feeling like I am today (and last night). She doesn't want to increase my meds atm as being sick has set me back a bit and she feels we need a bit more time to see how affective they are when I am physically a bit better.

The very first thing she said as soon as I sat down was 'I can see you really aren't well'. She is very perceptive and I am so glad that she 'gets me'. I told her I am tired - just really tired. She also understands how terrifying the thought of hospital is and asked outright if I was safe at the moment. I said yes but only just after the last week - I was completely honest! It is the same 'story' - I don't necessarily want to die I just don't want to live - there is a difference!

She also asked about my income and if I had enough money to cover bills and living expenses. Then without me saying anything she said to make sure I come to appointments even if I couldn't afford them and we would work something out. That was actually a huge relief.

She is away for 3 weeks but is going to notify another psychiatrist (female) of my situation and if either myself or my GP think that I am not improving or in any danger that she is to be contacted immediately to see me. She is also going to put in a letter to my GP that she can contact her any time if she has any questions, any concerns or wants to discuss how I am going. 

I have my GP app this afternoon. I will try to update everyone later on today but I do need to get some sleep also - I am so tired!

Zoe 

[Pepsimax]

Your appointment sounds like it went well I'm pleased for you

[Zoe7]

Thanks @Pepsimax How are you doing today?

[Pepsimax]

I'm feeling much better than last night I had a cold thing happening not to bad today before you say it drinking loads of water

[Pepsimax]

@Zoe7 above message

[Zoe7]

It is difficult to explain to anyone that has not 'been there' how much yesterday has affected me. It triggered alot of 'stuff' for me that is not at all easy to put out of my mind. The constant abuse, living in fear, having no way out and no-one knowing or being able to help - it is a 'living nightmare' that I relive again and again with only the smallest of things triggering memories or feelings - and the fear of sleeping, of being in a position that I have no way of knowing what is to come and whether I will survive - is debilitating. What happened yesterday was not a small or minor trigger - it was substantial. That look in his eyes, the unpredictability, my own vulnerability and the fear of what was to come. I froze and had no way of protecting myself if the violence escalated. I do not believe I will ever be free from this pain and I do not believe I can continue to go on 'living' as I am. I have no answers here and if I don't have any answers I do not expect anyone else can have any for me either. To say I am struggling with all this at the moment is an understatement - I am tired, I am unwell and I am once again becoming numb to block out the world to try and survive!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yes, it was substantial @Zoe7 .... it would have rattled me too, but for you it has pressed other buttons too ....

I am here with you Hon.  I can't take away what happened yesterday, as much as I would love to ... but I can sit with you for a while ....

💜💕 ......

[Bookworm]

Hi @Zoe7,

I hope that you've been okay, I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling lately. I'll be off shortly, but @KobeCat will be jumping on after me so if you need to contact anybody, they'll be available 🙂

Take care,
Bookworm

[Zoe7]

Thanks Hon  I do appreciate the offer @Faith-and-Hope but I don't know what to do or say anymore to make it any better.

[Sans911]

@Zoe7 it saddens me greatly with someone who is intelligent, kind, caring and compassionate as you has been and continues to go through a daily living hell. I'm really lost for words, but I want to lash at those who hurt you. I'm so sorry you've suffered so much, but I hope one day too the fear you live in constantly abates. Take care, you are so precious