Am Not Coping

[utopia]

Thanks @Owlunar and everyone. I'm just over it all at the moment dec. I know what I 'should' be doing - but I just can't. And I'm so aware that my son is suffering. But even that isn't enough to get me moving. It just sinks me down further.
Have my skype appointment tonight with my psychiatrist. Hopefully he will up my meds or do something that will help lift me out of this depression.

[CheerBear]

Hugs @utopia - hope tonights appointment is helpful for you. Went to c-link today, had a teary laugh for both of us. 

@Zoe7 - leaving these here for you as I pop past the octagonal room door ❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

@utopia ..... your son will manage in the moment ..... you look after you ..... ❣

Is there food in the house for him ?

[utopia]

@CheerBear. Maybe that's why I'm teary today. Going out on sympathy with you having to deal with centrelink. I hope they treated you well and everything is ok.
@Faith-and-Hope. My son is still staying at my mums. Where she is feeding him lots of food and everything that is wrong with me. She loves to question him about what is going on. It doesn't help him or me.
But he is being looked after. I just hate that I'm causing him more stress and worry.
Will just wait and see what the psych says tonight.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Oh dear @utopia .....

Baby dragons are cr@p to deal with at this age, but most of them have a baseline integrity anyway ..... in fact they get highly moralistic ..... the good side of that is that even if he doesn't speak up for you - if your mum is a bit of a dragon herself - he will likely be defending you in his own mind and thanking God that your mum is his grandma and not his mum ......

And y'know, generally speaking it's not bad for kids to get to worrying about their parents for a while at this age too, because they are coming into that stage of awareness where they have recognised that we're not perfect, become fault-finding with us, then realise that it's okay that we are not perfect, and they love us warts and all after all ......

Hugs n hugs ...... 💜💐💕

[utopia]

It's more the worry of the damage I could be causing him @Faith-and-Hope. But even there - I can't do anything about it until I'm feeling better. Hopefully that will be soon & then I canmend some bridges with him. I just don't want him to end uup like me.

[Faith-and-Hope]

My mum grew up under a mum with an mi @utopia ..... and she was the best ! It built compassion and resilience into her, and caused her to value her relationships all the more .....

Try not to fear the worst .... great things can be born out of adversity, and you are al heart and soul .... kids don't miss seeing that along with the rest, and there are many more social ills far worse than mi ..... a lack of ability to empathise or sympathise amongst them.

[Owlunar]

Hi @utopia - I get it

Forget about what you "should" be doing - reflect only on what you "ought" to be doing because "ought implies can" and can is a long way toward a better place than should

We can only do what's possible - please don't beat yourself up - depression is really hard to deal with - and I think you are probably doing the best you can while you are struggling with your own issues

Whatever it is - your son has you for a mother and you have him for a son and this is immutable - I had my son and I loved him and it was brutal at times trying to deal with him and everything else I was doing - I know I can still beat myself up about that - but I also know I did my best - and I had reactive depression - no AD for that - I had a job to do with my son and my psychiatrist said that I had to be alert through the day - but I was sedated at night

Your mother will feed him food and whatever else she has on her mind - but I grew up with my mother having some kind of Mental Nastiness - could be MN - perhaps I have invented a new label - I have a lot of ideas about her condition and she was very unhappy I think - and I understand that and forgive her for it

Baby Dragons have to push the limits and they will - I wonder if he is yet at an age or prepared to have to explain what depression is. I know you don't have MN - but you do have depression - and I remember I found it hardest with my kids when they were teenagers - and whatever my state - my daughter has grown up into a fine woman - as have all her step-children and my grand-daughter

I am sure you are doing the best possible and no one can do better than their best Utopia

Lots of virtual hugs

Dec

[Zoe7]

When the world is closing in and all that is before you is darkness,

Do you look for the light or give up the fight?

The ghosts of the past occupy every waking minute and fill all my dreams.

When does it come to the point of deciding if it is worth the struggle?

How many times must I fall before I cannot get up again.

How much pain is enough before I say 'No More'.

One more try, one more attempt to move out of this dark abyss,

And then it will be time to surrender to the eternal darkness.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Zoe7 .... I'm so glad to see you back .... 💚🌷💕🐬💐❣

And so sorry to hear you feeling this way tonight, but here to keep you company none-the-less.  I am painting again.  Just the background at the moment .... couldn't help myself, posted it on F&A hoping you would see it .....

And here are the sunset pics from my walk this evening .....

Have you been in touch with your GP and your psych today ?