Am Not Coping

[Zoe7]

This is a post I need to write for myself! I do not expect anyone to read it (although I know some will).It is purely for me to get out what I am feeling and thinking and try and make some sense of it all and maybe a little distance (in the short term anyway).

I have had difficulties with night and sleep for over 20 years. There have been some times when this has been manageable and even times when it has improved enough for me to function and thrive.But for the majority of the time it has been a struggle to even stay on top of the normal day-to-day things.

I have managed to work full-time and somehow done a lot of things in my life that should make me proud of my achievements. But all I feel is that none of it matters. The negative experiences in my life completely overshadowed any of my achievements.

I know this is a learned behaviour and that my emotional development was severely impacted with years of abuse from early childhood to early adulthood. I didn't have the chance to grow and develop as other children around me did and the impact on my self-esteem has continued throughout my life. 

I do not find it difficult relating to people but I do find it extremely difficult trusting anyone. Any relationships that I have formed - friendships or otherwise - have nearly all ended with me being hurt. There have been some friends I have had along the way but mostly I have been on my own - where it is safer!

So what is affecting me the most now? That is an easy question to answer as it is what has 'ruled' my life for 20years. It has never been so pervasive or 'present' as it has been over the last few months. I do believe that this is because of 2 reasons. Firsty - getting sick meant I could not work and that in turn meant I had no outlet for ongoing distraction. Secondly - therapy was too much and has left me even more traumatised as it got to a point where it was becoming dangerous for me and there were no resolutions.

Nearly every night I have nightmares. These have become more confronting and 'real' of late. They have always been intense and distressing but now (when I have them) I genuinely feel like I have been transported back on time. I can't breathe, I feel sick in a way I cannot describe, I shake uncontrollably and throughout all this I cannot move. 

The qualities that first attracted me to him began to disappear over time. He became more and more aggressive and alcohol and drugs took over. I knew that he was becoming more 'unstable' but never believed he would truly hurt me. I chose to think the best because I loved him - and had done for a long time - and I know it was reciprocated 10 fold!

Then the abuse and violence turned towards me. At first is was mostly emotional -- 'no-one will ever love you like I do', 'I don't know what I would do without you', 'you make me a better person' etc. Then it became threatening and physical - small things at first - not being able to leave a room, being pushed or held onto tightly. This very quickly escalated to a point where I did whatever he said out of complete fear. I wish I had had the courage to leave back then but the reality is I was too scared.

I basically lived two lives - the life with him and the life covering up what was happening to me - they could not have been further apart. Did anyone know - NO. Did anyone suspect - NO. This is often really hard for people to believe but unless you have been in that situation you do not truly understand how well you can actually cover everything up when you fear for your life.

The time that I finally thought it was all over for me is what plays over and over in my mind now. It is a mixture of being totally terrified and wishing I had not survivied.

These 'experiences' are compunded by the years of 'abuse' as a child and then the physical and emotional violence from my father as teenager.

This is the part where some will say - but you did survive and you are still here.I get that but my reality is that surviving has meant not 'living'. I would not inflict this long-term pain on anyone!

I do not know how I have 'survived' or how I got through most days. I do know that every day I want it to stop, go away, disappear - or for me to do the same. There are very few days that I do not think about this. There are very few days that I do not close my eyes and hope I don't wake up - which is quite paradoxical because my greatest fear around sleep is that I won't wake up - just as that last morning Inearly didn't! 

Where to from here - I really do not know. I do want each day that begins to be the last but I continue to see the following day. I continue to feel the hurt and the pain and as time passes I feel more lost and more alone. It is becoming harder and harder to believe in a future or finding any 'peace' within. Sometimes time does not heal all wounds - it just fades them from others but the pain of them within remains.

I do feel broken and I do feel alone and what is so very, very real for me is that this has been my life - each negative 'experince' in isolation is bad enough but when they all suddenly converged into one big snowball rolling towards you and out of your control - you can't avoid being crushed!

[oceangirl]

@Zoe7I hear you. You are amazing and courageous person. Keep believing in you and taking the steps forward to heal. I hope you can find what you are looking for and people to help you back to you. You will find your way back home and to connect to you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Zoe7

our histories and feelings about the world/life are so very similar in many ways right now, it does sort of give me this sense of relief to read your post in that what i've been told about people who've survived the chidlhood traumas and the adult traumas  and the effects of those that I have.. that we have have similar difficulties with life afterwards. I continuously tell myself that  im the problem, that i should be ok 'by now', and a whole heap of other stuff... but sadly we are feeling the effects of crappy stuff and to know that someone else is going through the same (similar) responses does make me feel just a little bit more human. It still sucks!

Similarly my nightmares are awful. Although ive gotten back to work, life is still so friggen hard and im just hanging on a lot of the time. I dont think this will be 'helpful' per se, but wanted you to hear that you're not alone. we will have to hang on together,

lj

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member I know I am not the 'problem' as neither are you. I do the same - ask myself continuously why I can't get passed this, why I can't move on. But it really isn't that easy - anyone that says it is really does not understand at all. You cannot change a whole lifetime of these thoughts and feelings easily - even my psychologist was very upfront in saying how long and hard it would be. That was actually a little refreshing for me to hear (but also very difficult in the moment) as it was a validation for the first time for me of how hard this all really is. It was also the beginning of me actually 'believing' it was real. I think I tried so hard for so long to try to push it all away and pretend that none of it ever happened.

The consequence of this however has been the nightmares that I have always had in some form have gotten so much worse. I didn't want to 'fill in the blanks' and my mind certainly wouldn't go there before the sessions with the psychologist started. Once the 'floodgates' opened - let's just say it is a constant repeat of the trauma - and often more than one of these incidents at the same time!

I honestly do not know how I (and you) get through this - day after day - it is so ****ing hard.

So I am walking right with you lj - and it is a long, slow walk (in the pouring rain)... 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Zoe7 @Former-Member ......

Long slow walk in the rain .... but not alone .....

💚💕💐💜💕

[Former-Member]

Hugs @Zoe7 - i've heard (or read? not sure which) as it being like opening 'pandora's box' when it comes to the truly remembering stuff. I think it does 'slow' down in some ways after a while. I know they all say that it does. I know for me i get completely flooded with memorie at times and one memory links to another to another to another through different associations and cycles through like movie reels. When i first started therapy i was remembering so much more but it wasnt a feeling of remembering more seeing something again that had always been there. i dont have any of that now though, nothing .. old coming back. 

My psychologist i think has given up on trying to deal with the trauma .. and wants to work on changing the thoughts/thinking that i have about myself (and i do too) but so much of the thoughts and questions about the thoughts that i have and the why's and how do you know questions take me straight back to all that stuff anyway... and im so scared that i will never be able to change, that im too broken to change/fix...

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope - lovely picture too 🙂 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zoe7

I love books - so my corner of TOR would be full of books - pretty much like my home

Dec sits back and looks contently at all the books - now when someone wants to know something about just about anything they can come here and get the info on just about anything - except politics

Dec

[utopia]

@Zoe7 @Former-Member. It's so hard to hear what you both have and are going through. Life shouldn't have to be this painful.
Unfortunately, the abuses/trauma occurred over a long time, & the healing - a new way ofllearning to be - will take time.
It may not seem like much in the pain you are both going through, but I'm here, listening, walking beside you and holding your hands when you need that support.
I'm glad you two can understand and support each other.
Sending hugs ♥♥♡♡

[Owlunar]

Hi @utopia@Zoe7@Former-Member

I don't know if we can ever be "fixed" - what happened to us was horrible and we were too little to do much about it at the time and that leaves a scar

But time does help - and recognizing that this was true - and it really did happen to us - so hard - but as we speak to helpful therapists about it - and open up our own minds to our helpless state and how we dealt with it as we could - it does get easier - but it never goes away

I had a terrible fear of my mother - I know she was harsh and emotional nasty as well as hitting too hard - but there was something else I could not remember and did not know if I wanted to - but after she died I did remember - when it was safe to - and the tight, terrified feelings dissolved and went away - and I had to confront the truth about it - which was hard

But I think the key is in the self-confrontation - looking for ourselves - and refusing to let anyone make light of it - that is the way to go -

But it is hard - very hard - I would never make light of another person's experience - nor try and make them not think about it - we do - and maybe that's why people feel as if they can't get over it

But still - I have bad days - I don't understand why my mother had to be so horrible - but the truth is that she was - and she was a very troubled person herself - which is not an excuse - just a reason

I wish the best for all of you

Dec

[Owlunar]

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@Zoe7 wrote:

This is the part where some will say - but you did survive and you are still here.I get that but my reality is that surviving has meant not 'living'. I would not inflict this long-term pain on anyone!

I do not know how I have 'survived' or how I got through most days. I do know that every day I want it to stop, go away, disappear - or for me to do the same. There are very few days that I do not think about this. There are very few days that I do not close my eyes and hope I don't wake up - which is quite paradoxical because my greatest fear around sleep is that I won't wake up - just as that last morning Inearly didn't! 

---

Hi @Zoe7

I am emotionally abused by my mother all my life - I had not read this part of your story when I wrote earlier that time and therapy helped me - I had not allowed my husband to abuse me - it was very hard to live the life I did - but when he abused me I had the police involved - that was the first time - the second time I was prepared to leave - and I did

But this was hard - and I understand - first you had it as a child then as a teenager and then as an adult

How do you survive all of this? How do you continue?

Now I am alone and I do not regret my decisions for a moment but there has to be something inside that is a given - something you are born with - to hold it all together in adult life when you have not been prepared for it

I read all your story - I have heard stories like this before - you have survived but not intact - and I guess you are the only one who knows how hard it has been and how terrified you have been all these years

This would warp your thinking and make it hard - I can understand how life gets too hard and I would ask - because I have asked myself this question - how do you continue to the next day?

I went through a time in my life when I would wake up in the morning and not know how to start the day - how did I do that? I honestly don't know - it was a terrible time - no more or less difficult than what you are going through now - but different

Now I have days of being very unhappy - I am having one today - I wake up feeling more of the same - I am not afraid anymore - just unhappy - and I have learned to live with it but I will never like it

I have really looked into what you wrote - and I ask myself how it is that people excape from childhood abuse? How does it impact a person's life when it happens again in an adult relationship?

It did happen to you - it was real - and there is a nightmare-like quality to what you have written and I do not understand how a man gets his jollies by such vindictive controlling behaviour

I understand - I really do - I did not allow my husband to be whatever he thought he could be - and our marriage was over though we lived in the same house - but abuse - from a partner - I see it on TV - I knew about it - have for my lifetime - but I have not lived with violence from a partner - I could not

I do wish you the best - and I know you have survived - but what cost - it has left you without a sense of self to arise each day and this is not good at all - but it is what it is and I really care about that

Dec