Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I closed my poetry thread, no more poetry here.
I wasn't going to post either, but I feel the need to express this somehow or die a tiny bit more inside.
I'm guessing both will happen, regardless.

Today I lost a friend. Not to death but to human nature.
Or rather, as the quote goes:

"I didn't lose a friend. I just realised I never had one"

To me this is worse. Sadly I judge others by my own standards,and I give loyalty and honesty and trust beyond what is sensible.
Even less sensible, is the expectation that it will be returned in like.

In recent years I have come to realise that to .... every single friend really, I am not a friend, I am a convenience.
They only talk to me etc when they are bored and all their 'real friends' are busy.
They only respond to my messages or requests for help ( eg. Assistance moving house), in a similar way. As long as it doesn't inconvenience them or cost them anything.

This is how the world works. I know that.
People prioritise, and I rank low, if at all, on their list.
And that would be fine. Except for the fact that I have always dropped everything I'm doing to help each and every one of them.
I have given friends my last dollar and gone hungry.
I do these things repeatly, and almost always to my own detriment or inconvenience.

I recently failed a house inspection because I was busy working dawn till dusk helping a friend (of over ten years),   prepare for theirs.
Their reaction when they found out? They abused me, said I was stupid, and a freak. That nobody does that. They said a lot worse before they terminated our friendship forever.
Because I helped them, instead of helping myself.
Without expectation of reward or returned favour beyond what standard friendship brings.

But I do do that. I will always do that, and I don't apologise for it.

I suppose it's foolish of me to think these things make our friendship stronger, that I might get what I give if I am ever in need. I guess I live In Wonderland after all.

But I feel sad that people often recognise that, and take advantage.
I thought this friend was different, but the truth always come out in the end.

As Friedrich Nietzsche said :

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on, I can't believe you."

In a way, I lost multiple friends. The friend I thought I had, the friend I could have had, and the friend I will never have.

It always surprises me that no matter how completely empty I feel inside and think I am, someone manages to find something new to tear out.

And people wonder why I prefer to be alone.

[Bridgetjones]

Hope you find some real friends. I too prefer to be alone and friendless as I have a belief that people are over rated. mainly due to experiences with males

[utopia]

@Former-Member. I'm sorry that you experienced this. Your right. It's hard to loose a friend but it can be devastating to find out they weren't a true friend.
You have some beautiful qualities. A generous person who gives all she can. I hope that you are able to find like minded souls soon.
Just because this person has not acknowledged your true worth as a friend, doesn't mean you don't possess that worth. Maybe its that they don't

[Appleblossom]

I have experienced that a lot. Alice

Some people are more altruistic ... and sadly a lot of them get lumped with a MH label.

Other personalities go for the competitive thing .. and they just do not see the damage they do ...

I am committed to gently opening their eyes to that reality ... its giving me an excuse to go on ... so in that am I losing my altruism ... dunno ..

[Former-Member]

I grew up on Disney movies.

I was too young then to see the sexism and hypocrisy etc that is buried in them, and all I absorbed from them was that if you are a good person, in the end, good things will happen to you.

I read hundreds of fantasy books, that gave the same message.

And for a long time I believed it.

Julia Stone sings a song with the lyrics:

"I blame you Hollywood,
For showing me things you never should
Show a young girl,
In a cruel world.

Because life's not a happy ending."

I think she is right.

Or maybe it's just me.

Within the last two years, my boyfriend of 8 years left because he couldn't stand my bipolar any more.

My teenage neighbor friend took his own life.

My other good friend since childhood got a promotion, and I sent a message that congratulated her, and said she could easily kick that job's ass. I guess I phrased it badly, she misread it, and thought I was insulting her and her job.

She wrote a reply that still makes me sick to my stomach to remember.

I did some small thing wrong,  and my dad said I was a worthless leech wasting my life, then he listed every single cent or favour he thought I owed him since birth. 

Which bewilders me, I can't remember a single thing anyone owes me because I don't consider it something to remember. But there it was.

They all apologised later, and said they realised they were wrong, but I'll never know if that's even true.

Even it is true , you can't unsay those things, and all those relationships were broken forever.

I was broken forever. 

I pretend I have forgiven them and forgotten, but it's always there in my head when I look at them, and I feel alone.

With my family and best friends, I feel hated and alone.

The things that upsets me a lot, is my whole life I've never said or done anything mean to any of them. I've always helped and been there for them even when they were wrong or in trouble.

And I stupidly thought that for some reason, a lifetime of kindness earned me some credibility with the people involved.

But one small misphrased letter or event, and they turned on me without hesitation, and being so close, knew all my fears and vulnerabilities, and they cut open every single one.

No benefit of the doubt. No asking what I meant , or if I had intended to do whatever it was. 

Just an instant attack. Because I'm bipolar, because I'm currently unemployed. I'm not a real person, at least not a decent worthy one. So I'm guilty. The modern equivalent of a witch.

i suppose I should be grateful they didn't burn me at the stake.

So that's (part of) my sob story, that I've never told anyone before. I've not sure why I wrote it here, I'm not asking for sympathy.

And tomorrow when I'm feeling less sorry for myself, I'll probably come back and delete it. But here is now, for what it's worth.

My reason I will never be close to anyone, or trust anyone again.

Why I don't make friends, even on forums.

Why I hate myself and my life.

Why I write bitter depressing poetry.

Because the sad thing is, that account isn't even the worst part of my life, and funnily enough, I cried more for my friend than for any of that.

--------

"Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle!
And this'll help things turn out for the best .
...
And If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!
Always look on the bright side of life!
Always look on the bright side of life."

[Appleblossom]

A few friends of mine took their own lives ... @Former-Member we were in our 20s ... its no joke .. not because of guilt .. I know the individual life situations they were dealing with ... had nothing to do with me ...  but its one of the most tragic ways for a person to die ...

Your dad was pretty bloody immature then.

Dunno about your friend .. time will tell ..

This is my first internet forum ... cos I am an ole lady ... and was allergic to IT in all its dreadful glory ...

I am looking up Julia Stone atm ... 

I have been insulted by people thinking I was looking for pity ... BS ... F** O** ... Pity .. it makes a joke of what went down ... in my life .. but to pretend that these things are not a part of life .. means we dont get to have the real discussions.

Alain du Botton ... said on his recent talk that quite a few people have thought Disney ... to be a danger ... even back in the 30s or whatever when he first started.

I did a bit of cinema at uni ... like that.

We did not have a TV til I was about 14 ... so I didnt miss much ... HEY

But your poetry ... does speak to me ... its just that there isnt much of a living in it .. even that professor dude ... I told you about .. who has now retired .. complains about that aspect ..

so its just one part of your creative process ...

[Appleblossom]

I quite like the Stone siblings ..never heard of them til now ... so thanks for that tip .. it seems they are BIG.

I have been so out of that loop .. met the father of my kids doing keys .. with a similar sound.

[Former-Member]

 @Appleblossom

I have to admit I laughed when you said you hadn't heard Suzanne Vega because you had been out of the loop.

Seeing how she released that album in 1985, I thought wow ,that's quite a while to be out of the loop 🙂

[Appleblossom]

Thats ok ... @Former-Member .. it is funny ... I took on my first child and husband child in 1986 ... kept me busy for a while ... I was not allowed to be in charge of my airwaves in my home ..  then when went back to uni .. again .. didnt have proper access to the net .. went to library etc .. did not know what "streaming" was til have had a lap top ... had one now for 4 years so gradually getting to see the lie of the land.

Good to see you haven't disappeared.

[Former-Member]

Oh @Appleblossom. I disappeared a long time ago. 

When most people disappear it's because they want people to look for them, and have control, and eventually, to be found.

But I just lost tiny pieces of myself, so often, that eventually, the me was gone.

'Lost, like tears in the rain', as the famous line goes.

There's nothing for anyone to find.

Whatever I am now, it isn't me.