Most of the time I forget about my history. At the end of last year though I sent away for my medical records via the freedom of information act. I've had four episodes. The first does not seem to be there, the third was when living overseas. I have the records for two. It's interesting, confronting, and surprising. To see how clinical the notes from health professionals is odd and a little hard. Of course it's necessary but the dry, boring way my life, my thinking processes, and experience were reduced to is odd to see. Even after a long time. The records are from hospitalisation in 1996 and in house observation with cat team in 2008.
My papers state my diagnosis as schizophrenia and bi polar. Now in my memory I was never explicitly told this. I just thought I was close but had psychotic episodes. I remember doctors telling me I'm schizophrenic, or borderline bi polar but never took it seriously. They never said it with any gravity. Anyway. I was on all the drugs, put on the weight, went through the system but to a limited level, two week in hospital the max length. I have lost relationships, jobs, postgrad qualifications.
After each episode i went off the drugs myself as they were so debilitating, though initially necessary.
In read an article recently https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/prognosis-and-recovery-factors-of-schizophrenia/
"Ten years after initial diagnosis, approximately fifty percent of people diagnosed with schizophrenia are either noted to be completely recovered or improved to the point of being able to function independently. Twenty five percent are improved, but require a strong support network, and an additional fifteen percent remain unimproved and are typically hospitalized. Unfortunately, ten percent of the affected population sees no way out of their pain except through death and ends up committing suicide. Long-term statistics for thirty years after diagnosis are similar to the ten year mark, except that there are even more people who improve to become independent. However, there is also an increase in the number of suicides to fifteen percent. Over time, women appear to have a better chance at sustaining recovery from symptoms than do men."
I guess I'm in between the 10 and 25% and I feel fortunate at least for that.
I have made it through, even if I go back down again some day. No one really knows or gets my history. I'm presentable so if people know they minimise it or see me through the typical lens based on poor media coverage.
Argh. I'm tired. Sometimes I feel cheated. My peers without any major disruptions like I have had are ahead in many aspects in life. I'm sometimes jealous. It feels petty. In most aspects, I'm privileged. I hear few stories I can associate with though. I don't mean from here. I haven't read too many yet. I feel a detailed examination on the structure and trajectory of psychotic narratives have been only partially successful. I feel health professionals still protronise and do not really understand. I think it's meant well, generally.
If people can point to narrative research I'd be very keen to have any information.
Take care all.
