Lived Experience Forum

[Dancer9]

@BlueBay You have such a lovely style of writing. It sounds like such a tough time so I have sent an email just to check in. 

Dancer9

[Meowmy]

The day flowed quietly, so quick it’s the evening. I sit feeling the emotions building. My life so fast, that I missed one at my prime age. Then it was so deep, the trials of life ongoing. He waited a few years. But I couldn’t see an end to the turmoils. So I told him to leave. Behind was memories of sweetness. The years long and tortuous, sick often but fought on. Year after year, he married and had children. Then my friend came. I sat blankly every weekend. So this one too will be gone in only hours. Life goes on. My heart swells.

[Meowmy]

I feel irritated, flipping through the pages. I can't rest. The heavy signs fall on my chest.i want to tell.The innocence of heart and soul. So sweet ,kind and loving. Crushed by random temper. Then my tears flow. Shaken and fragile. The stories start from the beginning again. I know you don't mean to.I know you can't express. I know you are frustrated. Oh. Oh.

[MDT]

Haven't seen this thread before. Looks good

[Former-Member]

Pure, sweet, innocent soul

Do not walk this direction

The impurities of the past will destroy your perfection

Keep walking forward and do not look back

Because once it has a grip it destroys you with imperfections

Ignore the crys of those already stuck 

Don't try to save them 

You can't help

They will drag you in and push you back till your fight is gone and the light is out of reach.

They are drowning in darkness 

They don't care that your a child 

If you give them an inch they will take a mile 

They will stand on your shoulders and expect you to take the weight

They will climb out of darkness and leave you there to weep

They only want to find the easy way out 

You don't matter to them 

They don't care for your needs 

Just leave there 

Quick run the other way

Don't listen to their crys 

They will try to guilt you into helping them to get free

They only way for you to be happy is to leave them be 

You are an angel spread your wings and be free

[Shaz51]

WOW my darling @Former-Member 

soo true my friend xx

and we are here for you as you are here for me

Keep walking forward is the key

[eudemonism]

Yea. Not sure if writing can help. Been Looking forward to the evening times recently . It gives me a chance to get away from the screens and to just be alone and rest. And then nod off for the evening. Been having trouble with smokes and withdrawing and the financial burden associated with them ..

[Former-Member]

YOU HURT ME, YOU DID

You hurt me 

You hurt me, you did 

You hurt me dear biological father 

Do you remember what you did

I was only three

A long time ago it was 

Did you regret it at all

Did you feel bad when you made me cry

Tell me that you feel bad for what you did

It's okay you don't have to answer

I already know the truth

You don't care about me 

You never did

You hurt me

You hurt me, you did

You hurt me dear foster parents 

Do any of you remember what you did

I was only a child

But it was long ago

Do any of you regret the actions you did

Did any of you feel bad when you made me cry

Did you care when I almost died

It's okay I already know the truth

None of you cared about me

I was just a dollar sign to you

You hurt me

You hurt me, you did

You hurt me dear friend 

Do you know what you did

We were 9

You were my only friend

I know times were tough

But I still needed you I did

Did you think about me before you left

It's still hard for me to accept your death

But it is ok dear friend 

I know that you cared

And to be honest 

I wanted to go too

I still miss you everyday 

And I forgive you for leaving me behind

You hurt me

You hurt me, you did

You hurt me dear uncle

Do you know what you did

I was only 11

That was 15 years ago now

But what you did to me still hurts today

I know you don't care 

I know your only regret is I finally told

You thought I would fear you forever 

But now the truth is out

And hopefully soon you will regret your actions too

You hurt me

You hurt me, you did

You hurt me dear daddy 

Do you know what you did

I know it's hard to accept

And you don't want it to be true

But you said you would be there for me

And I have not heard one word from you

Not even boo

Please talk to me soon

You hurt me

You hurt me, you did

You hurt me dear sister

But I'm not sure you know that you did

I am always there for you sister and our other siblings too

I'm there for you all 

I look out for you 

I help you as much as I can

But I need help some times too

You may not see the hurt that you cause 

When I am there for you but you don't help me

You hurt me 

You hurt me, you did

You hurt me dear mother 

And you hurt me the worst

You don't even see the hurt that you caused

You pretend everything is fine and you look the other way 

You may have cared once and thats what hurts the most

I remember those times buts that's all your love is now

A fading memory

It's being replaced by what you do now

Everytime I have needed you 

You let me down

And everytime I forgave you

You would disappoint me again 

I may carry on forgiving your mistakes

I may make excuses for you so others don't attack you

But I really do question whether you love me at all

And while I may forgive, I will never forget

My trust in you is extinct 

You will never get it back

You complain that I don't let you be alone around my son 

But honestly mother can you blame me

My childhood is gone and I will never get it back

I will not let you disappoint my son

Or let him question your love 

If you want be in his life you will for once have to be an adult

No one is going to tell you what to do 

For me you exist because he wants you to

But you hurt once no matter how small 

He will not know you anymore

[Meowmy]

The afternoon light faded, the curtain draw in, the sounds disrupted, my tears flow, twenty eight years gone,. I had to live the way you pushed, I bit my lip, U had no choice. I lived life the way you made. But now It's different. I am out of your catch.It is my life again. But there is no more opportunities. I am fifty. My first love is gone. The truthful one left ten years ago. So I live alone.This is the way meant for me. I fought my hardest. Even near death almost daily. On it goes, may be my life will extinct soon. Because I am alone and meek. Then I feel the warmth at times of the days, that helped me to breath in the frosty streets.

[eudemonism]

The daily battle...

Sometimes i wonder about everything that goes on in my mind . Sometimes i wonder how true and real it all is. Is it justifed or is it not? Dismissing thoughts that lead to away forward. So i can be engulfed with despair and misery just one more time . So often the odds seem to be against me. So often the reasons seem unclear.