Lived Experience Forum

[sazzarocks]

This is a topic that I can't seem to find much information on.  How Mum's and Dad's grieve differently when a child dies.

After the death of our only child (son) two plus years ago, I seem to be slowly putting my life back together. My husband on the other hand, just wants to wallow in pity(have everyone feel sorry for him) and wait to die. I know he is in real pain, but he will not get help. He says that no one can help him as he only wants one thing. To have our son back in our physical life.

It really is two different journey's and I am wondering where the compromise will end of being I have crawled out of the dark pit of doom, and do not want to go back there. I go out and visit friends and do things to make me feel alive. My husband stays home night after night, drinking away his sorrows. I have spoken to his GP but like he said, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

Just wondering if anyone has any ideas to share of how they survived in their marriage.

[LAM]

Hi Sazzarocks,

Grief is very individual they tell us. 

I don't think that anyone does their grieving exactly the same as somebody else. But there are plenty of similarities too.

There is quite a lot written about men and women and grieving styles. If you Google, you should be able to find stuff.

If your husband uses the computer, there are a few sites around where he could connect and 'chat' to other grieving parents/men.

I'm sorry for the pain you are both feeling and that it is creating distance between you.

Losing a child is really the pits.

I hope something nice happens for both you and your husband today.

Take care, LAM

[NikNik]

Hi Sazzarocks,

I can't even imagine what you are experiencing.

You would think the topic of grieving and how different it is for mother & fathers would quite easy to find information on.

I haven't had experience myself, however I found this thread from another member - Hurls, who has lost their son also. I have posted in the thread to see if they can offer you any insights, advice or experience. Hopefully they will see the post and follow up.

It sounds like you're doing your best to look after yourself & I hope these forums assist with that.

NikNik

[Mailly]

Perhaps I can be a small help by giving you an insight into my own story.   We have been married 38+ years and our much loved daughter (32) died some 6 years ago.   I do agree men and women grieve very differently.   In the early days I was concerned, as I look back on it now, that I was also going to lose my husband.   I was overly watchful... that's thankfully passed as we have learned to communicate our feelings more.   From the very early days, we have had a way of signalling to each other that we were having a 'bad' day... a lit tea candle in front of our daughters' photo.   Unspoken communication.

We are able to directly talk more now, and I find our 30 minute daily exercise walk good debriefing time for everything from feelings to politics!

Lots of parents find men cope with their grief by 'doing', and women cope by 'talking' - from our experience, our walk/talks have been a good way of doing both and working on the fitness as well!.

Generally, things are going quite well - we are leading up to the anniversary of our daughters' death which is always a hard time of the year, but we are getting along OK.

Please ask me anything you want - I try to be as open and honest as I can, I find I benefit myself from being that way. 

[sazzarocks]

Thank you Mailly for sharing your story. Glad to hear your husband and yourself have found middle ground. That is comforting. The anniversaries are a hard one. Will be keeping you in my thoughts. I don't have any questions at the moment but will keep you in mind for a handy resource when something crops up. Sometimes I am fine and other times I am just still sobbing my eyes out. Every day I get out of bed and face the world, is a day closer to being reunited with my son.

[Frog22]

HI

After losing our son nearly 3 years ago, my husband and I have had a difficult time.  I found in the beginning he took charge when I couldn't function.  However now it is different, I have gone back to doing everything and he will go to work and nothing else.  No social life, no interaction in the other kids lives.  It is extremely difficult.  We are in two separate worlds, that occasionaly drift by one another.    It is hard for me to understand how he could not want to be involved with the other kids now that we know the reality that anything could happen.  I think he is extremely selfish in his grief.  When he is not working he is sleeping.  Whats the point?  Sorry I cannot help, I've just seemed to have a big whinge. But good luck with your situation.  It is really hard.

[Mailly]

Yes, it all does seem hard sometimes, and mums and dads can be on totally different tracks and timetables.   Another big thing I've found with grief over the death of a child is guilt.   "What could I have done differently, that might have stopped this from happening..."   These feelings seem to happen at different times for mums and dads, and sometimes lead to almost feelings of resentment..."how can you be feeling OK when I feel so lousy...",  

Fortunately, both of us don't feel too much guilt - yes, maybe somethings I may have done a little differently, but overall, I did the very best job I could do as a parent, and I remain proud of that.

[sazzarocks]

Mailly, I totally agree about the different tracks and timetables. My husband has incredible guilt over helping to choose a car for our son to purchase. If it had side airbags, my husband feels, our son might have had a chance. So he has incredible guilt over this. I think we both did the best job we could,. I have no guilt, but without help from a counsellor, my husband just carries this around with him all the time. One day he will get help and then we can have some semblance of being okay.

[Alessandra1992]

I am not sure if any forum members have been to The Compassionate Friends, but they offer peer led groups for parents and Carers who have experienced loss.

They have groups in Victoria and NSW, in Victoria there offer a 24 hour grief-line. There is also a toll free number listed on their website.

www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au

Perhaps they might have a group in your area, if you live in Victoria. If you google you will find websites for other states.

[Mailly]

Perhaps I can give some insight into the value of peer support given by organisations such as The Compassionate Friends mentioned above by Alexandressa.

I've been involved with a self-help, monthly peer support group through The Compassionate Friends for about 5 years.   I thoroughly recommend, though appreciate 'groups' may not be for everyone  For those who prefer the annonomity of the phone, TCF also provides 24hour 1x1 phone support.   The advantage is TOTAL understanding of the experience of being a bereaved parent.   Everyone involved is a bereaved parent, and uphold the ideals of helping others along the sometimes very bumpy road of life following the death of a child.

I've experienced 'professionally' facilitated groups in a few personal areas at varying stages of my life and can assure you nothing is quite like the 'lived experience' model to give you that feeling of being stood alongside and supported, on your terms and when you need support, and it's there for us all to participate in.

Keep dancing,

Mailly