Thanks @Former-Member & @Faith-and-Hope, had a really quiet day here, locked inside under the aircon re temp 44° outside.
Dad threatened angrily to get in the car and drive himself to visit mum if I didnt (he's revently lost his license re dementia), it gets tricky, I've never been good at lying & tricking people and having to stay a step ahead of adults, its exhausting! but he doesn't understand. Even when we're in the car he puts his window down no matter how many times I tell him "I have the aircon on" grr (I don't cope with heat).
After I gave his pills the other night I forgot to put the blister pack away, out of sight, and sure enough - while I was bringing in the washing, he went to the loo, spotted the blister pack with his meds as he walked past. I noticed the pack had been moved and the following mornings pills were gone. I felt sick. He'd taken them. He'd not only forgotten I just gave him his pills with tea - he can't tell the difference with which ones are night & day pills. It was me who instigated hiding his pills from him last visit (they hadn't noticed) and here I am stuffing up - i felt terrible and worried all night. But he didn't die and all was normal next morning. Had to explain to the community nurse what had happened the next morning and she recorded it in his file - how embarrassing.
Mum rang my mobile x4 today, after we'd made our morning call to her, with speaker for dad... She's worried about this and that, but especially the pets and the garden. She zeroed in on the cat today, whose having one of his disappearing days. I told her not to worry, because "he's probably down a drain somewhere where its cool" well that was the wrong thing to say, she rang me back telling me off about how "my cat doesn't belong dead in a drain somewhere... how dare you leave him outside in the heatwave... you let him in..." I told her he hasn't been around all day but sure - when he turns up. "I don't care about that" she said "I need to know if you will 'comply' or not?" she said angrily. Oh it gets my back up. "I'll do my best" I said. Sheesh, how do I hang up on my dying mother? How do I lie to her or agree to do something I'm not sure possible? How do I 'comply' and yet maintain my own dignity? I know its my brain dysfunction (MI) but makes me so stress / anxious, as if I've done something wrong and gonna be punished. Or that I'm in a no win situation and my mother is about to come down on me like a ton of bricks...
Maybe this is why I'm here too - to come to terms with my inner child who hides behind huge memory gaps in my childhood. Its exhausting a saying self aware, keeping the past separate to do be present... especially when feelings from the past are triggered. Guess I've shut it out for a reason...
No, today I sat around, didn't do any washing or entertaining visitors... (nobady came for a change). Just chilled journalling, watching tv and caring for dad & mums calls.
Had to tread real carefully with my two bros with Sz, they're not handling it all very well, so dependent on mum. They have been crying a lot. Mum said Bro3 came in to see her 6am crying his eyes out over acta tx Bro2 sent him. I got that same tx, it was very provocative (he sees MI as 'a choice' and hates bro3&4 for being the way they are. I managed to reasrure Bro3 I'll watch his back... It was about money & his inheritance... Bro2 stirs them up. But to go to mum crying, while she's so sick - so inappropriate! They lack insight. I'm learning it's best to bite my tongue and just love them.
My sister, who has only recently started talking with me again after x5 years, she is secretly working at becoming dad's legal guardian, including of his finances. Dad wants to stay in his own home & I am willing to be here as his carer, but my sister is keen to get dad into a nursing home and get her hands on his estate. I'm coping well with caring for dad so far (mum is much more difficult). I'm trying to trust God that that's all that is required of me, the practicals. And trust that God will help my sister do the right thing here - i simply can't afford to carry two households.
I believe I have the gift of 'hearts' and the Lord wants me here to help dad through losing mum. But he's tough / pragmatic. Yesterday he tells me "ya mother has to go and there's nothing i can do about it" How extraudinarily sober is that!. Hes improved with a few things I've put in place for him - like a phone he can actually use when people ring him, and staying on top of washing & diet etc He actually seems more alert to me in just a week.
Wonder if mum will come home. Don't Like going in her bedroom but will have to get it ready in case. I'm kinda hoping so, but not, as she's so sick and her room is so not suitable. We shall see.
How are you all going? I'm sorry I don't have the energy to keep up with all the other threads with your news. But I do care & hope you're holding strong 🌷💜
