Depression Dementia Dad

[Owlunar]

I'm not sure how to respond @Appleblossom - every situation is unique

I have lost both my siblings - not to death but to deep seated resentments stemming from our mother's behaviour which has scarred all of us - I have forgiven my mother but not thought about my siblings that much - I guess I have found a way to forgive their behaviour - I have gone my own way for such a long time and when I think about it I am really unhappy things happened the way they did but - ah - why rehash what I cannot change? - it would take a lot for me to have them back in my life now - touch love

It has been hard for you too - I think my mother had excessives fears and was co-dependent and I for my own sake forgave her but your mother had MI and what I read here in these forums that there are a lot of members whose mothers had MI and caused untold suffering - I can only shake my head at what people suffer

And in my grumpy old age I wonder I have found a time of peace - how did that happen? - I have no idea actually but it is true that in spite of my grief I have found a better time of life even if I do bark at badly mannered children and rude teenagers in public places but then I am endlessly patient with disabledd or elderly people even when they are unaware of my delicate spine - I have learned at lot with my long years

We are all unique Apple and I am glad - very glad - to know you

Dec

Actually - my years are not longer than anyone else's - there have just been more of them

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for your beautiful reply @Owlunar I somehow felt you would understand even though many aspects of our lives are different.

Maybe as I was pushed out of the one organisation devoted to the cause I needed, meant I hung onto the grief for longer.  I have needed to be able to mention it directly and in passing, to get used to living in my body with the feelings that emerge with any mention or thought of it.

Yes loss of relationships for any reason can bring up grief. It does not only occur through death.

[Owlunar]

Hi again @Appleblossom

Organised anything!!

I went to church for decades because I am a God-loving and religious person but alas - but alas - eventually I realised I was enduring the form for the content and misunderstandings became too frequent but I still have my faith

I think of going back but I never get around to it - maybe it's a habit some people have and I have broken the habit - more than once - three times actually - I felt pushed out for speaking out - and felt better for speaking out and would do it again but I'm getting older

You wrote

Maybe as I was pushed out of the one organisation devoted to the cause I needed, meant I hung onto the grief for longer.  I have needed to be able to mention it directly and in passing, to get used to living in my body with the feelings that emerge with any mention or thought of it.

I think I have done the same - the reality is that people cannot understand unless they have felt grief at that level and in the long run - we don't want them to know - but it can and does isolate us

Dec

[Appleblossom]

Dished up healthy yum dinner.  Well it went down quickly, but son is in bed and too tired to watch tv show with me as he had planned >>> so I am back on computer.

Just the way it is.

Almost finished The Susan Delaney grief videos. The best thing about them is her gentle accepting non hocus-pocus Irish voice.

As Compassionate Friends was not available to me I did dig deeply in the Christian tradition as a single mother, but my church could not cope, so yes that was another rejection 18 months ago .... I so hoped mother and I would bond and heal through it...  but it did not happen. So I am left with journey of healing myself. If the journey is what counts.  I def did journey.

Thanks for the conversation.  Dont worry about me, Dec, but DIALOGUE is important.

She ends video with noting that the most ambivalent relationship is mother and daughter.

Helping me accept.

[Former-Member]

Oh @Appleblossom, I am sorry you felt your loss was made less important. Its good for me to hear you because I want to know how my son feels. I often wonder too if he secretly thinks i contributed. Your family situation is particularly complex.

Pitty your mum couldn't side with flesh & blood over some slneeze bag @&#%#£#. Some men leave a trail of destruction behind them, makes me mad... oops, off track.

. If I remember correctly - your sister was younger and you were like a mum to here. You watched over her, and i think this is amplified withwith older siblings when the parents are clearly not coping wellwell

 I think at t was @Owlunar who recently said "Complex situations lead to complex grief" There's no doubt your grief is complex, and painful Apple. You most definately belong  on the frontline with us.

As for people being blunt, well - sometimes we just blurt things out when there's no visual consequence, where we can't read the face, body language and tone, to see the level of pain. What was said - That would have hurt me too.

Sometimes I have to remind myself what Jesus said: "father forgive them - they know NOT what they do". But He was God I guess, we are but clay and need lots of practice.

Oops, off track again.

Thought of you this morning when I googled "here comes the sun" images.

I'm glad i met you on the forums Apple, you've become a part of my inner world xox

[Appleblossom]

Ooooh @Former-Member  

Thank you.

I became interested/obssessed with grief for a very long time, from a general and personal pov.

Yes my sister was 4 years younger.

God bless her soul. 

I woud be happy if any of my experience ever helps your relationship with your son.  Often we never know how we influence others, as life can be so subtle.

Good night. I hope you sleep well.

[Former-Member]

You help me a lot too @Appleblossom, not just my relationship with son. the way you survive being surrounded by it all, like with me. Thank you. Good Night Sista :). You too @Owlunar 🙂

[outlander]

@Former-Member

[Owlunar]

Hi @Appleblossom@Former-Member@outlander

You all help me out girls - with different points of view from different people with different experiences - none of you are closed off at all but in different ways you are open and accepting - this is wonderful - I feel understood

So many people don't - I can't count how many times I have been told to put it out of my mind and I get my back up - I have no intention of doing that even if I could - and I have a right to it just as well all do for those for whom we grieve and all of us have multiple people in our minds every day and for me - as much as I hate it that this happened to you - I am not alone and really

People are strange - I am alone in the world pretty much but not at all bothered by this - I like my own company and don't argue with myself - but on cold dull winter afternoons I can feel a sort of feeling of loss and all I can do is to go to bed early and read for hours - luckily this is pretty rare now but it was pretty bad in the past

So things do improve - we can live for ourselves Lapses - I know you find this hard but I see it this way - I do things alone and enjoy myself and sometimes when I am travelling alone people are amazed that I am - but alone I can please myself - 

The winter of 1993 I travelled around Tasmania for two weeks and spent several snowy days at Cradle Mountain - I didn't actually see it because of the fog - but one night I was in the lounge and got what's called a Chocolate Bunny at the bar - a really spirited cocktail actually - and I was alone but moved around the lounge chatting with different people and drank half my cocktail  taking about 3 hours - and I went outside and the snow had cleared and I could see Scorpio with Antares like a huge ruby - I felt like picking it out of the sky - clever that - I fell on my back in the snow. 

Well yeah - I drink very little and was a bit merry I guess

Melbourne can be rather staid at times and I wouldn't do that with people I know - just like I wouldn't sing with buskers in Melbourne but felt okay - great even - singing with the buskers at Circular Quay - what fun

So yes Lapses - I have these memories - driving over a thousand miles in three days heavy rain one really wet weekend. If I didn't do this for myself I would not do things at all and so I think I find life is better because I do not feel anyone cares how I have put myself out there in public - but I have had many good times

I hope you can find a way Lapses

I was busy today but I did think about you - your mother put you down in a terrible way and your sibs as well and I know she had some kind of MI after losing her sight in one eye after surgery. My mother blamed us for her stuff and I think your mother might have been the same but I know this much

Our mother - many people here have mother problems who abuse us in different ways and it's cruel - little children are so innocent and know no better and adolscent girls are vulnerable too - and girls seem to get a hard time just because they are girls

It seems you had your right to have a life of your own very young sis - I want to say this - you have a right to feel the way you do and it's horrible for you - but I am here and I will let your feel this way but encourage you to find a way out from yourself and into the world - and feel free to have fun - but in the meantime you have to grieve - and I pray this will be easier for you as time passes

@Appleblossom

You have struggled with many issues with many families members but you have your ideas well presented and I know from my own experience that it is possible to line our ideas like a well crafted essay when we are actually battling with the ideas - some new and some old - and you have lost so many people - yes - you do help me - you are important to me as @Former-Member and @outlander are

You don't say much Outlander but when you do you show a maturity far beyond your years - you are paying a lot for your getting of wisdom but it will be worth it

I am thinking about all of you right now

Dec

[outlander]

Aw thanks @Owlunar im really not that wise though 💗♥