Depression Dementia Dad

[Faith-and-Hope]

💜💐 @Former-Member .....

[Former-Member]

[Faith-and-Hope]

Morning @Former-Member .....

Swimming this morning. Trying to reduce my central weight issue ......

[Former-Member]

"central wt issue" lol that's funny @Faith-and-Hope. How are you? I have a raging headache, keep thinking its Wed & mum's f/n cleaner is about to walk in the door to mop floors... But laying down waiting for pills to kick in. Gotta be careful as my BP has been dangerously high lately. Shoild get that checked (plus visit the optometrist (broke my classes ) and the dentist (bot of an abcess & bl##ding thing happening after losing a filling...

Keep putting my stuff last. Wanna go to the hairdresser too...

I did text Bro3 & 4 to maybe take dad to his overdue BARBER TRIM (beard & hair), spend some time with him / coffee out - but they both cannot. Both have to mow their lawn today & "don't feel well" Just realised how TOXIC they are for me 😏 Poor dad.

I've been phasing a bit lately so thats my alert that stress levels are high. My birthday isnt helping

S1 rang for good chat yesterday, says his business is in a slump & he can't afford to fly down for my b'day, but wants to, said he's even lost sleep over it (which is really weird 'cause he's never come home for my birthday or mother's day since leaving home x10yrs)
ago. I offered to pay for his flight but he panicked about fitting in time off work, even for a day. Then the 'real' issue came out (i think he needs money but wont ask), he tells me he's having trouble affording food atm 😞 But he's managing $400wk rent in CBD & car payments on his own... Guess i'll have to put $ in his account this wk, while i'm in the rare position to after mum gave us all 5k (but I already gave him 1k of that in January. I don't know, how much should i give away? Give to him this week for food? He needs a cheaper flat but doesn't want to break his lease & he wont go house-sit my empty house for free. I don't know. You know i paid for his flight to attend mums funeral in Jan - but he spent most his x4 days with his cousins at my toxic sisters place, grr. I got him the last night, after the funeral, which he mostly slept away (we all crashed that afternoon after the funeral) & dropped him off at early tbe next morning at tbe train to fly back. I donno, maybe he realises now we didn't have time together. I can't work ppl out. Kinda resolved to thinking he / ppl just don't like my company, no matter how hard i try, and just be grateful for crumbs under the table... Does anyone really care about me? I dont think so, and what does it matter anyway, really?

My head is spinning. Probably should down-screen / shut-eye & try get rid of this headache. Thanks for saying high.

Oh, guess, my oldest friend in Newcastle sent a B'day present today, a gift - a lovely quality bathroom towel set & soap 🙂 & lovely card & letter, made me cry tears (which is rare on this antidepressant), but happy tears are good :). She knows what my family are doing. Actually, the card is funny, I'll try post it here.

Wonder what the others make of all this @Owlunar @Appleblossom @soul @Former-Member @Shaz51 ...

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs @Former-Member ...... 💜

It’s stilk early days after losing your Mum, and it will take a while for the hidden grief to iron its way flat and be less felt less often ..... meantime it will present itself in odd ways.

I “ran” after losing my Mum, as in stayed super-busy and not allowing mys of too much time to think ...,,, and I had lots to do like you have there looking after your Dad. I am so glad you have got him ..... these are good days for you to be keeping busy. Rest and self-care in between.

Your S1 is still young. He will bounce all over the place for a while ..... stressed with his business commitments ...... triggered perhaps by your Mum’s passing in regard to his memories of his sister ..... struggling with guilt for wanting to blame someone, but also knowing that it was nobody’s fault. Someone’s passing can make us acutely aware of our own mortality, and he probably doesn’t want to think about that too much, either for himself, or for you and his Dad ...... just keep offering what ver you reasonably can in his directions, so he knows you love and support him, but also give him space to work a few things out for himself. The communications are a two-way street, and he knows where to find you. You have been generous and loving towards him.

Breathe ......
Remember your self-care, and make sure you are looking after yourself financially too.

Things will slowly gel around you. Just keep swimming ......

Glad you received a lovely gift, and a card that made you laugh ......

Hugs 💜

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

About your son - he has to make some choices - 

The money your mother gave you is your money and you can do what you like with it and if you want to give some or even all of it to your son that's okay - really - but

He has to know that this isn't going to keep happening - and if we give people money then here's a rotten truth - once they have it it's theirs to do what they choose - as tough as that can be when we could have used the money differently for ourselves

I like what @Faith-and-Hope has said about your son - he's grieving too and yet has no concept of your grief - he really doesn't have much sense of his own - only that he is not really comfortable in the world right now and he is paying a lot for rent and his car and without your help - which can't last forever - means he might be hungry

Of course - he could always get a food voucher from the CAB - he can only do that now and again but asking will be hard - I always found it really hard myself - but your son has to make the decisions for himself - break the lease and house-sit for free in the family home which will be empty - and at least he can pay for his car and eat

Ooh I just read that back and it sounds hard but he does need a little Tough Love right now

And yes - your brothers are toxic - 

And you  have a lot to do with your Dad and you have lost your Mum and I know that's hard - I really care about that

We care about you - I care about you - I understand about the distance in families - do they care or what? I don't know - after all these years I have written my sibs off - toxic to an unpleasant degree

And it matters but as long as you care for you one person in the world cares

And so great you got gift, card and letter from your friend - someone remembered

We are both heading into a tough time - lots of hugs today Lapses

Dec

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member ... sending gentle thoughts your way

[Former-Member]

Checking in @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Hello, thanks for checking in @Former-Member, showing interest. Hope u & mr darcy are ok. It upsets me reading about wonky hubbies. I had one trample every value & pearl i posessed into the mud. He broke my world. Anyway, upsets me to read about others, though I highly admire you for sticking around.

@ Faith-and-Hope, "early days" rr losing mum. Yes I've been busy but don't think i'm running away, not sure.  It was mum's time, we had lots of warning, but she turned on me again that last week which makes it harder. I don't know why,  she had a tendency to read into things wrong a lot. My sister & bro2 games didn't help i guess, in her vulnerable state.

Anyway, i have lots of chances to remember mum here in her house & garden,  every day. She was horrible to me / her family a lot,  overshadows the happy times,  but there was a bright bubbly loving side there that she so easily put on for the world, & sometimes us.

Trouble with mum's mood swings was - when the beautiful mum surfaced - i learned very young not to let her in, to trust it, as in a flash she could turn. Such is the nature of & impact on children, of parents with untreated MI, well into theSfuture. SHE was 'right' - Always and knew better than any professional body or family. So impossible, yet creative and entertaining, and strong and ever present... Accept this last two years, poor mum.

Nope, i don't grieve her, she's still here all around me and on the inside, talking to me - echos in my head, the little things, good and bad, relive over + over in my head. No,  I don't cry for her much,  nor is thetr malace - just sadness for... well, think i've said enough. I do forgive her and she can't hurt me or feel so hurt herself anymore. 

Sorry, long rave, bit off track.

Hey, Appleblossom, sorry if i upset you - i just ket lazy a lot, even here. You're so intellectual & strong, dont know whats left to say 1/2 the time. 

Also, i had to 'not care' here as much, when i had to let Tawney go. That experience was crushing & so this is my guard. Sorry i'm taking more than i give now, or so it feels. Lapses in memory dont help. And often it feels the ppl here are not 'real' ,,, i dunno what i'm trying to say. Miss ya maybe xox

@ Dec, yez its good I'm here with dad, its where i belong atm, and despite my difficult siblings, but I have a newfound strength grounded in truth / protected by God. Well, thats the simplest explanation of it all - cause frankly, i don't know how else i've stuck it out but for god & whats right.

Dad's sister is in palliative care now, soon to leave us. Dad is depressed (according to how s gerontologist - interesting 'grief' isn't the default label they slap on, even this early in grief.  Ms on Ha, western culture - guess there's no pill for Grief lol

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member

Understand what you are saying about grief. Losing a life partner is a very sad time and it takes time to adjust to life without the one we loved and still hold dear in our hearts.

Lovely to hear you feel you are where you belong ATM. The love you have for your dad is shining through.

Mr D treats me right, he has MI but is not and has never been abusive toward me and is quite thoughtful. He really is struggling with having MI but is doing all the right things medically so it is quite distressing to see his anxiety increasing and some cognitive function losses.

Darcy