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Something’s not right

onelove08
Contributor

Confirmation support

I am the partner/ex of someone who suffers from BPD I am in desperate need for some understanding and guidance. Am I in the right forum? 

11 REPLIES 11

Re: Confirmation support

Hi Onelove08

How are you? How can we help you?

Silverspoon

Re: Confirmation support

Thank you silverspoon for replying promptly. 

 

I am suffering and I am in a lot of pain. I believe that my ex suffers from BPD. The symptoms have all been there for over 18 months. She has been receiving treatment for bipolar and none of the medication helps with her mood it just makes her tired. 

 

Its taken its its toll on me because it goes from really beautiful and lovely and feeling like nothing could go wrong to yelling, swearing, belittling, throwing objects and hitting within a space of one second. The conflicts are never over big things they are always over miss perceptions or assumptions. I have always been in my defence because of the accusations that are thrown at me. The moment I try to talk I am cut off and put down. I am gaslighted until I break down and cry. The only time the conflict stops is when I say “I apologise you are correct”. This is the only sentence that immediately removes the violence and aggression. 

 

I have bene broken up with for every week to two weeks for the last 10 months. The longest we have lasted together in a relationship is 10 days. The times I am broken up with it is at the moment of the conflict where I am asking for understanding or stating I am confused. 

 

My ex is physically very sick as she has not been able or forgotten to drink during the day and lost her appetite completely. This escalated about 5 weeks ago. All physical symptoms have been getting worse and she forgets to go to the doctor. I have tried to reach out to her mum to tell her she’s not hydrating and she is unwell, her mum didn’t step up. 

 

My ex wears a very good emotional mask and does not show people she is not okay as she feels like she is a “burden” to others. She admitted that I am the only one who tries and can see she is not okay. She can’t sleep, she had very vivid dreams when she tries to sleep. Normal simple every day functioning had become triggers for her anger. I have offered to love her and support her whenever she needs it and this has led to our “final” break up. 

 

Im now in the process of receiving very caring loving messages from her. She is offering help when I’m not asking but still maintaining that we aren’t a thing. Due to the consistent back and forth I am in a lot of pain not knowing what I can do with myself. I am torn between cutting complete contact and dealing with a loss, and remaining on idle while I wait. She has communicated over and over again she dissociates in arguments and when she is dissociated she is shaking, pupils are dialted, she is physically stronger than me, veins show in her throat and face and her entire posture changes. 

 

Someone please guide me 

Re: Confirmation support

@onelove08  Hi onelove01 and welcome to the forum. Your partner obviously needs help and before you get back together again she should be seeking that help. It doesnt mean that you give up on her but until she shows that she is willing to take responsibility in helping herself get better you really should not put yourself in a vulnerable position again where you are constantly hurt over and over again. 

 

Be a friend to her. She needs friends but imho you should just keep it as a friendship for the moment. As for her diagnosis of bipolar her symptoms that you describe sound very much like it to me (I was first diagnosed as bipolar now schizoaffective disorder). It really is up to her to take the steps on recovery you can hold her hand and help her but you cannot do it for her and nor should you. You have to protect yourself during this period too. Take good care of yourself too. peax

Re: Confirmation support

@onelove08  Gosh, that sounds tricky for you both. I really am sorry to hear you are going through so much while trying to help someone you care about.

You do need to take care of yourself. I hope your ex can reach out for help.

Welcome to the forums, but sorry such circumstances brought you here.

Re: Confirmation support

Thank you so much for this insightful response. I am not perfect either my downfalls are insecurities and giving up my needs out of fear. When I see that she is unstable I give up all my needs and anything I perceive to be important so I can be all hands on deck. By doing this I end up making her feel like a monster, constantly anxious, anticipating her next outburst and instead of operating in the here and now I’m operating on fear and what ifs. It also means I take my time trying to answer things so that I don’t trigger her which ironically, triggers her anyway. When I listen and hear what she needs I apply it to the next situation and that doesn’t work either. When I ask her what she needs she responds with “I don’t know “ I just want everything to stop. 

 

Im not in her head but from the outside looking in she makes comments that sound like she feels empty, lost, lonely, confused, overwhelmed and worthless even when her day appears to be normal and there have been zero conflicts. 

 

I am reaching out as someone who is madly in love with her and devoted to her. I can recognise that there is no one person in her life that offers her help as she is normally the one who helps others. She is very good at pretending to be okay. I am very scared of where she will end up and how long u til she comes back expecting things to be okay with us 😞

Re: Confirmation support

Thank you Maggie for welcoming me. I need to make sure I don’t lose myself in the process of loving her. This is the first time in my life I have encountered such a hard place. I will be doing everything I can to take care of me and not let her think I’ve given up on her. 

Re: Confirmation support

Dear onelove08

Everyone's suggestions are wonderful. Your partner needs to obtain her own support and guidance. No-one else can provide this better than she can. Sadly you may have to spend some time apart to allow this to happen. 

 

Iknow what it was like when i used to behave atrociously towards my husband... i couldn't control what i said and did. But when i took responsibility (through the assistance and advice of my psychiarist) I did this less and less. When i was diagnosed with CPTSD, i did a lot of research about the condition and the more i learnt the less I reacted to triggers. Eventually (not quickly though) I took control of my disorders symptoms.

The absolute best you can do is to implore her to seek professional help... and take a back seat for a while.

Warm regards

Silverspoon

Re: Confirmation support

Thank you silverspoon I have started that today. I’m no longer offering help left right and Center, I’m not asking how she is, I’m not communicating that I’m struggling and miss her. I’m letting her be on her own so she can learn what she needs. I’ve most definitely done too much for too long and it’s backfired. 

 

I am an human and I make mistakes and I don’t exactly always have the best way of saying what I’m thinking but that doesn’t mean I deserve the responses I get. We have to all learn how to manage what triggers us. I have learnt how to handle mine and now it’s her time to learn how to manage her own. 

 

If I get stuck and need more answers I’ll reach out again. Thank you everyone. 

Re: Confirmation support

Hi @onelove08 

I'm sorry your in this situation eith your ex-partner. 
I can relate to some of what she is doing. I have BPD. I was diagnosed 10 years ago along with depression anxiety and ptsd from childhood abuse. 
I too get very angry at the littlest thing my hubby says that to me is huge. My anger emotions etc go from 0 to 10 in an instant. Snd thdn I'll be angry with him for days. I fear abandonment a lot. I get very emotional very quickly. I have a lot of the symptoms. 
it takes medication, therspy support and  love to help. 

she really needs help and def therspy. Dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy) is what is used to treat BPD. 
im still a long way to go but I have a psychologist, a caring doctor and a psychiatrist for my meds. 
I can see how you would be exhausted eith her behaviour. 
I don't realise my behaviour is bad until a little while later. 
yes I have dissociated a few times. 
it's really hard to explain. I still feel my hubby doesn't really understand. 
happy to chst anytime. 

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