Lived Experience Forum

[altravocap]

I've only recently accepted my diagnosis - for a while I thought it was impossible that I had BPD because I didn't tick enough boxes.

I've got an ongoing problem with alcohol, but that's not that unusual. I've got a great marriage and long term friends with no drama.

But this year (and previous years) I've noticed things get worse as I approach my birthday, and I do tick all the boxes. I've had a great psychologist for 18 months, and this week I've sent him four separate emails. Threatening to hurt myself, retracting that threat, apologising for that behaviour and saying I won't see him again because that was unacceptable and finally asking him for his psychiatrist recommendations as an excuse to apologise again.

He hasn't responded yet, and he doesn't work for the clinic I see him through until tomorrow. So I know he's probably just maintaining boundaries. But in the meantime I've cancelled my appointments with him and decided to go it alone.

I'm having constant nightmares, drinking more and am convinced no psychologist will ever be willing to treat me in future.

Not searching for solutions, really, just needed to get that off my chest.

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @altravocap , it's good you've joined.

I'm sorry to hear you're leaving a good psychologist - they are precious. I often hear on the forums here how hard they are to find. It also takes months and months to get in to see a new one, even if they are taking new clients, which a lot aren't due to overwhelming demand during the pandemic. 

Especially as it sounds as if you're on a slippery slide downwards? 

Do things usually pick up after you've had your birthday each year? I really hope so. Sending best wishes. 

[altravocap]

Thanks @NatureLover - I haven't completely cut ties with my psychologist, just taking a break after being ridiculous and boundary crossing this week. I have an appointment in about a month and a half, after he returns from some leave.

It's a struggle right now, but fortunately I tend to be reasonably resilient. I have a really supportive spouse and reliable work and social networks and routines. I think a lot of the struggle this year comes from worrying because I ended up in inpatient care this time last year, and we're still in similar pandemic-y situations. Objectively, I'm doing much better now than I was 12 months ago, so it's not likely 2021 will be a repeat of 2020.

I know I'll bounce back from this period like I always do, it's just hard to keep in perspective when I see myself losing control of some of the more destructive traits, knowing exactly what I'm doing and yet being unable to stop it. Then I have to fix things afterwards when I could've just avoided it all.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @altravocap ,

Thank you for reaching out in your very honest post. I see so many BPD traits in the little you have written. I resonate with much of what you are saying, and yes, I do believe your psychologist is maintaining boundaries, and will probably speak to you about these boundaries during your next session.

I guess accepting a diagnosis is the beginning of being able to work with what is not working in your life. As you said, you have so many good things going for you, yet there are these small interpersonal issues with relationships and emotional regulation which get in the way. I absolutely understand what it is like. I've lived it. I've been through it. And I'm still learning. 

I'm glad you have been able to reach out here, even if you are not looking for solutions or answers. You'll definitely find like-minded people here.

Thinking of you,

BPDSurvivor

[Kyzik]

Interesting with your actions, send psych 4 seperate emails and then delete them.

Kinda similar i've done, is just like on a whim maybe delete people I shouldn't have, but sometimes i can reinforce a justification. Unfortunately it can come back to " It doesn't matter " which isn't a good motto, to place your behavior patterns on.

Or delete instagram, ceebs/not enough followers, delete followers, oh nvm, maybe i'll continue it. Nah never mind. What's the point.

Yeah, i'm 27 and live alone with very sparse amount id consider to be even "friends". Sure can be friendly etc and make accomplices.

So you're absolutely set having a supportive fiance and good group of friends.

You are like me it appears, stuck in your own perception of the world. Running emails off, think presumptive thinking on how others see you or will act..

Of course you not look for solutions, but drinking alcohol is of course never the best thing.

Guess i'm just rant and get stuff off my chest to .

[NatureLover]

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@altravocap wrote:

Thanks @NatureLover - I haven't completely cut ties with my psychologist, just taking a break after being ridiculous and boundary crossing this week. I have an appointment in about a month and a half, after he returns from some leave.

Oh, good. If he's a good psychologist overall, hopefully things will get back on track when he returns from leave. 

I hope this current dip improves for you soon, @altravocap .